You’re Hurting Me
by DICK CHENEY
I can make a short list of all the things I eagerly anticipated that did not live up to the hype:
Jurassic Park 3
The return of Arrested Development
and now sex between Samwell Tarly and his girlfriend Gilly. What happened, if you missed it, was terrible. She gave him one kiss (no tongue), climbed on top of him after shifting her underwear to the side, and said, “Am I hurting you?” in the voice I use when I am asking Lynne if there is any piaya left over from last night.
Sam let out a small moan. I don’t suppose the incest sex Gilly had beyond the wall consisted of her straddling Craster and asking him if her vagina gave him pain. After Sam saved her from what was at the very least looking like a menage a trois, the least she could do is tousle his hair slightly as she was riding him.
Undoubtedly this was Sam’s first time. I would have serious problems if my virginity was taken just as soon as I had gotten my ass kicked. It sets a really bad precedent; e.g. are we only going to get down when some dude kicks me hard in the face?
Sam wasn’t the only one not fully being pleased by his partner. Dany has to have sex with the man who is undoubtedly the worst actor in all of Mereen. He mansplains how to be a queen to her right after sex. Do you think after Lynne and I spent hours doing tantric to postpone the inevitable splashdown that Lynne was like, “You know, Dick, you should really slaughter a bunch of Iraqis?”? No. She said what any loving wife would say: “Thank you for the mess.”
Pretty soon the Dragon Queen won’t need his advice anymore. She will have Tyrion Lannister to give her the straight scoop on King’s Landing: “Where does Jon Snow like to go to for dins?” “Where are all the cutest places to shop along the Kingsroad?” “Was Aemon Targaryen a flaming homosexual and was his boyfriend Ned Stark’s dad, Tevye ‘Juniorfell’ Stark?” It’s a rich lore we are dealing with here.
Now that the books have basically been ground up in the shredder and George R.R. Martin is more focused on empanadas than writing, we can start to really enjoy not knowing what is to come. Cersei’s imprisonment in the Sept was the last thread of the novels, and it will be great fun because I am super sick of her collagen lips and frozen hair style. Margary Tyrell has never looked so good, I sort of understood why Tommen fell in love with her.
Stannis’ move on Winterfell seems kind of silly now. He should have just sailed south. I mean who is actually going to mount a defense of King’s Landing — the people who committed incest or lied are in jail. The only person left over would have been Ser Podrick, but he’s not even around.
Littlefinger’s cute scene with Dame Tyrell notwithstanding, I guess the idea is to make Jonathan Pryce a villain worth cutting down? He seems kind of morally ambiguous though. I mean, are we supposed to room for Team Thincest? I am confused by these moral boundaries, especially when Jonathan Pryce is giving speeches that are literally word-for-word articles from the pages of The Nation.
Sansa’s reaction to her wedding night was a little patronizing. Asking a man to help her, especially one as narratively impotent as Theon, will be even more annoying if he is finally the principal who ends Roose Bolton’s flaying ways. I don’t like Roose, but that old woman he skinned looked a lot better without her epidermis than with it.
In Dorne, Bronn sang a song to a beautiful maiden. She used a poison known as The Long Farewell on him, which is actually the same potion I used to disassemble Ronald Reagan when his anti-abortion speeches started getting tone-deaf. I understand he thought a fetus was a child, but when I asked him to prove it, he just ate peanut M&Ms and watched Welcome Back, Kotter.
Provable facts are all I am interested in now. Subtlety and inneundo are completely lost in Game of Thrones, but this is simply because they have vanished in the real world. I still have questions about I, Claudius, as to what parts of the story are true. But with Game of Thrones the only question I have ever had is, “Would it be hard to bring myself to orgasm with my left hand if I lost my right in a welding accident or if Melisandre needed my blood for a potion?”
The story of Bronn settling in Dorne and having a beautiful young family with the girl who exposed herself to him is the kind of subplot Game of Thrones sorely needs. There has to be some coming together. It can’t all be constantly only falling apart.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.
“Bronze Head” – My Brightest Diamond (mp3)
“Apparition” – My Brightest Diamond (mp3)