Hangin’ with Myrcella
by DICK CHENEY
It was a hard week, and at the end of a hard week, you just want to kick your balls up in the air, eat some pickled eggs and watch Jon Snow teabag his ginger friend until morning. I have heard it all from people on their deathbeds — once a legit member of Al Qaeda asked his for his mom to sing him to sleep. Once she arrived he killed her with his teeth, the reasons were nuncupatory.
Children murder their parents all the time on Game of Thrones, so it seems only right that it should work the other way around. I know that I spent many grafs explaining how annoying I found Shireen, and how unappealing her greyscale, but even I assumed she would go out with a great deal more dignity. I mean, it was only by the grace of the seven that she even survived this long in the first place. Every day after that was a gift.
I would have thought that D.B. Weiss had the cojones to let us watch Shireen’s passing without the dubious cliche of watching her mother watch her dying, but these are the people whose idea of a climactic moment was the Dragon Queen making a cameo in what appeared to be a scene from The Neverending Story. The whole battle in the arena was completely stupid, and Iain Glen looked like an awkward klutz making his way through Mereen’s finest.
Worst of all was Tyrion’s wretched dialogue to the Queen’s late fiance Hizdahr about how eloquent men are something something. He can’t bring any better conversation to the table? How about ranking the slaves based on factors like obedience and resemblance to Grey Worm? Tyrion’s condemnation of violence also rang a bit hollow. I mean the man was a general who fought at the Battle of Blackwater, and he winces when he sees a few slaves cut each other’s heads off?
I couldn’t have been less impressed with Drogon’s fighting. He inspired no fear at all and cried like my golden retriever Ariana when a few arrows went through what should have been his armor. He called for his mother when he was in pain, earning the nickname that will haunt him all of his dragon years: Shireen II. The only thing worse than the scene itself is having to watch the idiot who plays Daario Naharis act.
In Dorne Jaime was written some cute letters and having really freeing conversations with Ellaria Sand about why incest is not so bad, really. I hope this leads to the long awaited team up between Bronn and the Sand Snakes.
I can’t get Tyene in particular out of my mind; she almost makes me forget that the reason Doran Martell is confined to a wheelchair is a horrendous case of gout brought on by a pet scorpion named Rosie.
Your pets will always turn on you, especially if your CGI budget was cut by HBO and you are no longer permitted to show more than one scene featuring a direwolf in any given season. Some sets on Thrones look fantastic, but this season has featured less and less of that. King’s Landing is now more of a hallway and a dungeon, while the Dragon Queen’s palace is only one room. Stannis Baratheon’s encampment looked like a couple guys bedding down in Yellowstone before they went climbing the next day.
Maybe we should just wrap things up here, make the season finale the series finale. The Queen marries Jon Snow, who is revealed as a secret Targaryen. Jaime finds love with Oberyn Martell’s ex and they sire eight to ten more Sand Snakes. Their resulting children enter Kevan Lannister and the High Septon’s beds, destroying them with poison and inappropriateness.
Sansa falls in love with Dany’s cute assistant and Grey Worm, forming a powerful triumvirate that rules the Iron Islands. Samwell Tarly falls down a particular high set of stairs. Gilly preserves his penis in amber. Tyrion screams “Wheeeee!” as he rides one of the Queen’s lesser dragons. He picks up Bran in his dragon Uber and they all decide to become maesters at the Citadel. Arya elopes with Mace Tyrell and they form an acapella troupe. Tommen sucks a dick.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.
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