by DICK CHENEY
Now that the men and women of Game of Thrones have gone back into their caves to debate who is dead and who is not, my Sundays are completely free to catch up on The Bachelorette. Last night Kaitlyn straight up slept with this guy named Nick in Dublin under the principle of, if I have sex with someone overseas, did it really happen?
It did end up happening. Kaitlyn is primarily known for being humorous, which is odd because she never tells jokes, really. She laughs a lot and dances when music is on, which when I think about it doesn’t make her different from any other human being. She has a tattoo of a bird on her arm, a rather unsightly marking. As she explains the ink, it reminds her that wherever she is, she has a way home.
Kaitlyn makes her actual home somewhere in Arizona, not far from the devilish lair of one George R. R. Martin. Not a single person got laid this season on Game of Thrones except for the Queen of Dragons. Kaitlyn is considerably less threatening. This week her men held a fake funeral for her in Dublin. She lay in the casket giggling as they pronounced limericks about her untimely passing.
It was all a bit macabre, especially with host Chris Harrison whining like a baby about how Kaitlyn was “the worst corpse ever.” To spice things up, Nick’s main competition got really drunk. Shawn Booth is a personal trainer from Windsor Locks who appears to have muscles above his eyebrows. He got sauced on PBR and moved the party immediately to Kaitlyn’s hotel room, where she had previously fucked Nick.
Here he told her about his feelings. I don’t doubt that young men have feelings; I just don’t understand whey they can’t repress them, expressing their emotions in open critiques of the new True Detective only. “Rachel McAdams’ haircut is the shits” and “I think this is exploiting sexual violence as a replacement for dramatic seriousness.”
Disturbingly, Shawn was expressing his innermost emotions on the same couch where Nick stroked Kaitylin’s leg and murmured such malapropisms as, “I want to know every part of you,” and “I can’t get enough of you.” Nick, a software sales executive from Wisconsin, wears a set of bracelets everywhere that he goes. Each indicates an aspect of his interior self.
As Nick and Kaitlyn engaged in their various intimacies, GRRM had the idea of crosscutting their sex with a deep conversation between Shawn and Jared about how much they trusted her. While ostensibly a sexist move, the producers of The Bachelorette softened this attack on their heroine by showing soft images of birds and bees mating. A fountain exploded into the Dublin night to represent Nick and Kaitlyn’s simultaneous orgasm.
The amount of woman-shaming going on by the producers of The Bachelorette is, naturally, in poor taste. Of course Kaitlyn fucked Nick — which of us would not do the same? He has bracelets, bracelets, and when he leans over, he puts his hand against his own head to indicate how fucking casual and sexy and fun this all is. Considering the rest of the candidates for Kaitlyn’s affections look like they got out of a clown car, this means a hell of a lot.
The irony is that Nick is the same man who, at the end of the last season of The Bachelorette, asked Andi, why did she have sex with him if she did not care for him to choose himself instead of Josh Murray? No one has ingratiated himself so quickly and shallowly among such stiff competition. Nick deserves to know why these women want him if they do not really want him. The answer is that he smells like cinnamon and Brut.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location.
“Black Heart” – Carly Rae Jepsen (mp3)