In Which We Derive Our Self-Image From Canned Meat

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My friend Anna quickly took to me at school. She follows me around everywhere. She had a boyfriend for two months and that gave me some breathing room, but they broke up because she cheated on him and now we’re back to square one.

Anna does have some good qualities, mainly in the way she treats me. Her attitude towards other people is what bothers me very deeply. She judges them immediately for their worst qualities and mocks people using a series of impressions that ranges from the mildly amusing to super hurtful. I feel that she is bringing me down.

How do I rid myself of Anna without destroying her and making an enemy in the process?

Ellie S.

Dear Ellie,

Lie. Tell her that you have feelings for her and it’s difficult for you to be around her. Granted, this could backfire and you two could end up adopting a Malaysian child named Tomas, but if you are fairly sure she is a heterosexual, this is a safe bet. Before you “come out” to her, make sure to listen to a lot of Elliott Smith and when you hear about Kristen Stewart’s latest girlfriend, exclaim how brave she is.

If this gambit does not work to maximum effectiveness, then change tacts. Make a list of all the things you like and dislike about Ellie and fax it to her on the letterhead of a local attorney. Celebrate with a margarita; you’ve earned it.

Hi,

Recently, I got drunk and cheated on my boyfriend Mark with a friend I will call Ian. I realize that alcohol does not excuse my behavior, but there had always been a longstanding attraction between Ian and myself and while it was something I probably never would done while sober, I was in good enough shape to know what was happening and sleep with him.

After what happened, I felt extremely guilty and realized that I wanted to be with Mark and never betray him again. Here are some other pertinent facts and events that happened since the “incident”:

1. I told my friend Wen what I did and she has told me that I should tell Mark lest he find out from someone else;

2. Mark would probably be upset by this news but I think he could probably get over it given enough time.

3. I have put off Ian’s followups on this incident but he seems to be making more of it than it really was.

How do I handle this?

Megan A.

Dear Melanie,

Many people don’t have the patience to get what they want from others. You want forgiveness from Mark, and to put this ugly debacle behind you. On the one hand, it would be great if Mark never found out about this, but given the close proximity of the individuals involved, it seems like that is not an option. This leads us to the conclusion that Mark must know what you have done, and in the easiest way possible for him to move past it.

A lot of men cheat, so it is possible that Mark has already stepped out on you, Megan. Tell him, “We need to talk,” and make extremely subtle references to the idea that if he has done something he is not supposed to have done, you will understand, but you would prefer to hear it from him. There’s a 30 percent chance this will yield some kind of confession from Mark. If yields nothing, don’t double down. Apologize and say you are sorry for doubting his word, but observe his behavior over the next week or so. If he is extra-nice, he is probably guilty and you can get the full story by following up strategically, even using alcohol to get the information you desire. It worked for Ian.

Assuming that Mark is more proficient at holding out under scrutiny than Edward Snowden, you are not going to get what you want by giving him the CIA treatment. That means we move to Plan B, which entails the following: create a personal crisis to put in the context of the event. Wait until Mark has something important to do when you will not be able to contact him. At that time, have a “personal crisis”, e.g. someone you know is in the hospital or an old friend passed away. Sent him a million frantic texts like, “I need you,” etc. Then shut off your phone, after telling a friend to inform Mark that you are okay but you are sleeping it off.

The next time you contact him, let him be in person. Inform you got drunk, something awful happened, and where was he? The road ahead may be a bit tumultous, but if Mark really loved you, why wasn’t he there for you? 😉

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

“Unwavered” – Basic Soul Unit (mp3)

“Restless In Thought” – Basic Soul Unit (mp3)

Basic-Soul-Unit

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