In Which We Remain Miles Away From Our Closest Neighbor

al ltheirjejrierj.jpg

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hey,

My friend Michael recently moved to New York. Naturally we have met up a few times, and I recently introduced him to my girlfriend Lenai. Michael is very good at making a first impression, and he surely did so on Lenai. She thinks he is great and wants to hang out with him often. Unfortunately I know that Michael was not quite as fond of my partner as I was, and he has made it clear that he would prefer we just interact on a one-on-one basis for the most part.

This makes thing awkward, since in other to see Michael I would have to explain to Lenai why she is not really wanted. And I have no answer to the question Lenai poses about why we are not seeing him more. I feel strongly that the truth js not really an option here, but I could also see any deception backfiring and I don’t want to ruin what I have with Lenai. Please help.

Edwin K.

hard to say mia nguyen

 

Dear Edwin,

You need to find a naturally combative situation that will pit Michael against Lenai ina. a circumstance that will lead Lenai to not want to interact with Michael again of her own volition. You presumably know her values better than I do, but issues of conflict are often the plausibility of anal, the sexism of Bernie Sander, and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. (I once was dumped by a woman for telling her that Ariel Sharon was a gr8 man.)

If Michael intrinsically dislikes Lenai, conflict will emerge sooner or later. Get him very drunk or high on whippets. Some people are just assholes on whippets.

The real backfire you should be worried about is that Michael changes his mind, since you do not seem to be working all that hard to get these two to enjoy each other’s company. Pushing people further apart sometimes brings them closer together.

shsodsokdosdoskodksodksd

 

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

Hey,

Things have been going decently well with this girl Paisley. On our third date something happened that has made me a bit worried. We were at the movies (seeing The Revenant) and we were holding hands. When the lights came up, I disolayed a visible erection that Paisley seemed to take notice of. She seemed a little out of sorts for the rest of the evening, but I’m not sure what her reaction really was.  

In the ensuing days nothing seemed all that different. When we went back to my place though she made an excuse and went home. I’m trying to figure out how to proceed, since I haven’t had a connection this positive with someone in awhile.

Jeff P.

just plain afraid to fail

Dear Jeffrey,

Our minds all go to different places when we see a signifier. You have entered the realm of the purely semiotic. Each individual brings different experiences to the idea of a large p rising through some bro named Jeffrey’s shawts. Maybe she didn’t expect it; or maybe it triggered an identification with some negative moment in her life. Who knows, you might never know. Maybe she was hoping you would take it out!?

On some level she was probably aware your penis was living a quiet and flaccid life before this, and at the slightest hint of contact with a human being it would choose to spring to alert, screaming with the urethra as its de facto mouth, “I am aware of the current circumstances, Jeff!”

It is important not to let this slow you. If you do not show a woman that you desire her sexually, she will not be able to respond in a concomitant fashion. There is no such thing as taking it slow. The faster you are able to establish a connection between the body and mind of a woman, the sooner you will have a real relationship, versus the penis-observer functionality that you and Paisley are currently operating under.

 

shsodsokdosdoskodksodksd

“Here With Me” – Susie Suh & Robot Koch (mp3)

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