In Which We Approach You Cautiously From Range

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

One month ago, my girlfriend asked me to marry her. I said yes. We expect to have our wedding in the fall.

When I tell people that my girlfriend proposed, they have been very accepting of that, but some of them wonder why I didn’t do it myself if I was really wanting to be with her for the rest of my life. Or they feel sorry for us because it seems like something was taken away from each of us in the process. I don’t share these feelings, but I can’t help but feel they were an unexpected, unpleasant consequence of the way this went down. What should I say when people tell me this stuff?

Carl D.

Carl,

Prejudice against men is an emerging trend happening worldwide. You will want to officially register as a victim and spend most of your days cowering in a corner somewhere. But really, if the people around you want to continue living in the pre-civil rights era, that is more their problem than yours.

Make sure they know how offended you are by their insinuations about the love you share with a woman, who I will call Cecilia. Explain that the love you have for her is immaculate and immortal, and whatever love they may have with their own partners frankly pales in comparison. Introduce them to your close friend and confidante, Nicholas Sparks, who will explain that nowadays it is de rigeur (French) for a woman to express her feelings openly. “Anyone can ask anyone for love,” you will explain in a throaty whisper, as you subtly stroke Nicholas Sparks’ full mane of hair and wonder where Cecilia has got to.

 

Hi,

I have become really close with a coworker of mine named Dave. It’s great to have someone at work to talk to who is going through the same issues. Dave also has a group of college friends who live in this city, and we all hang out from time to time.

Recently I became more serious with a guy I was seeing. I’ll spare you the details but it was a long distance deal until he decided to move here and things have been great ever since. 

The issue is that recently Dave sat me down for a heart to heart and told me that he has really strong feelings for me and he wanted me to know. I explained that I cared for him, but obviously since I was involved with someone else nothing would happen. To his credit Dave has taken this rather well, but since Hard to Say is the king of useful lies, is there any way to smooth this whole thing over?

Daisy H.

Dear Daisy,

Of course there is. Human emotions are nothing more thetans, easily controlled by messianic celebrities and their docile servants. Given that, don’t you think you can trick one simple man into not feeling like shit that he can’t be with the woman he loves?

Since the ideal situation is that Dave keeps caring for you as a friend but you don’t feel any of the negative energy resulting from your rejection of him, it’s time to get your boyfriend involved in this scheme.

He must tell Dave in sobbing fashion that he views him as a “real threat” and he obviously has a “large cock.” This will make Dave feel like a man, a sensation he has probably not experienced for some time, and certainly not since he gave you that whiny speech about his emotions. Love’s either simple or impossible. If you have to ask for it, that just means it’s impossible.

After your boyfriend’s faux confession, things should pretty much return to normal. Dave has been validated as a man, and you seem more appealing to your boyfriend as a woman desired by so many complex individuals. The only loser here is any semblance of the truth.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

“Good Reason” – Balue (mp3)

“Eternal Honeymoon” – Balue (mp3)

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