In Which We Miss The Stolid Romance Of Our Thrones

Momma

by DICK CHENEY

Now that Littlefinger is back, I don’t have to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don’t have to, but I still do, mainly because The Grinder was canceled and I have no way to feel better about things besides googling the words “Rob Lowe old.” We all need small comforts. I don’t know what Littlefinger does when he is feeling a little down; maybe masturbates a dire wolf? Possibly he just takes a day off from plotting and feeds the birds.

Littlefinger’s return could have presaged the death of an honorable warrior of the Vale, but I have truly no idea what the point of this character is anymore. In the coming war against the Lannister-Tyrell armies Daenerys faces an opponent who cannot even evict a bunch of religious wretches from their city. What possible match could the armies of Westeros be for dragons?

In two out of three episodes of Game of Thrones, Emilia Clarke displays her chest. This feat has gotten progressively less interesting over time, especially since in this episode she slaughtered a bunch of guys who only made vague threats along the lines of, “You are subject to the patriarchy,” and “You will not be reading Jezebel in the near future.” If they were going to harm her, they probably would have already.

Sexual violence is indistinguishable from actual violence in Game of Thrones, which is how you know this is a series conceived by men so that they can imagine women in their own image. Whether there is any actual difference between the sexes I don’t really know, except to say I would not be caught dead in Dame Tyrell’s outfit.

The conversation between her and the Lannisters was long overdue — I mean how long were these people going to sit around having small council meetings, like another three seasons? Queen Margaery has been eating gruel and her own hair this whole fucking time.

The writing for Tyrion Lannister on Game of Thrones is more painful than ever. He has zero chemistry with Grey Worm and there are no romantic options for him in the East at all. Daenerys gave him someone to play off of, but they were separated as soon as he got to Mereen, which turned out to be a terrible dramatic decision.

The set design in this episode was really on point, though. The temple where Tyrion met with the slavers, giving them seven years to end slavery seemed like a livable house, and the big tent that Daenerys burned down had a ghostly symmetry reminiscent of Braavos. It’s disappointing that the only history we get into is the events of Robert’s Rebellion — I long thought that the later part of Game of Thrones would explain such mysteries as the environmental disaster that was the doom of Valyria. I don’t have much hope for that anymore.

Last episode probably should have ended with the triumphant Jon Snow-Sansa Stark reunion, instead of him tromping south but then returning when he realized he did not have any of his things. Now that Jon has an entire ginger army ready to fight for him, I hope he takes out Ramsey Bolton quickly. Then we won’t have to see Ramsey doing something kind of mean each week to remind us of what a dick he is.

Like most people, I have no memory of Sansa Stark being cruel to Jon Snow. I guess she said he was just a bastard. Given how things went, it would have made more sense to have them be friends when they were children, which suggests George is just throwing shit at the wall.

I was going to say we only saw one death this week, but I guess it was more like fifty or sixty. A lot of unimportant characters will be on the chopping block soon. Tommen Baratheon is so ineffectual I expect that his mother will slaughter him every time she goes in for an embrace. As an aside, the constant weekly emphasis on how Cersei would do anything for him seems to be leading to a betrayal of some kind, but I suppose it could also be leading to the end of Cersei. The Lannisters don’t seem to have a lot of clear direction and I’m really unsure if we are supposed to hate or love them at this point.

I don’t really remember the Onion Knight meeting up with Brienne, but I suppose if they could find love with each other, that could potentially be a best-case scenario for all involved. They could pillow talk about who loved which Baratheon brother more, and fantasize about the two becoming close friends again and ruling Westeros in a partnership for the ages.

Maybe that is stretching, but Game of Thrones needs some romance, badly. It used to be someone was getting fucked right and left, but now sex has been relegated to the alleyways of the Dothraki settlement, where one young lady was having the best feast night in recent memory. No one has fallen in love in some time in the land of Seven Kingdoms, and even Samwell has been unable to consummate things due to his seasickness. Time to couple up you guys.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

“Gamma” – Rodion (mp3)

“Colazione” – Rodion (mp3)

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