In Which Mace Tyrell Resembled A Beagle Wrapped In Gold Foil

History Lesson

by DICK CHENEY

Last night I was promised in words and deeds that I would never have to watch Jonathan Pryce act again. Jaime Lannister’s failed movie career was on the verge of slaughtering the religious fanatics who held Margaery Tyrell’s failed movie career hostage. The guy who plays Lady Tyrell’s husband looked super-cute in his armor, and I finally understood how he was originally able to win the heart of such a magnificent babe. Cersei was nowhere to be found because no one could tolerate Lena Headey’s list of demands during a day-long crowd scene.

Then Jonathan Pryce was spared, and I was no longer spared the indiginity of watching him portray this annoying character. Fuck Tommen for being such a prick to his dad, and congrats to Samwell Tarly on being such a dick to his father. Although to be completely fair to Randyll Tarly, everything he said was the God’s honest truth. He sent his son to lose some weight and kill wildlings, not marry a wildling and fill up on hard bread and other empty calories.

The Tarly stronghold was fantastic and nearly as imposing as Drogon. What I didn’t get was why after Samwell specifically told her not to, did Gilly inform his entire family that she was a wildling. I mean, she couldn’t keep this secret through one single fucking dinner, which incidentally was probably the best dinner of her life and the selection of bread was absolutely astonishing?!

Lady Crane is truly the queen of the Braavosi stage. The commitment to historical accuracy in the theater of the free city is impressive for such a local institution, although the guy who played Twyin Lannister came across as a bit of a dick. It is great to see us finally dumping this storyline and revealing what disturbed freaks these faceless assassins turned out to be. I mean, at some point. I started wondering myself why I was sympathizing with a dude slicing corpse’s face off, until I realized that is why I am the man that I am.

Bran should have taken the out-of-body possession of his own legs, since he has returned to his annoying, “What are we going to do you guys” whining and not even the retcon of his Uncle Benjen “Why was I sent to the wall again?” Stark could bring him out of his shell. Bran’s flashbacks to the past are the only saving grace of this dogshit plotline, as it was great fun to see The Mad King give orders to burn his citizenry in this episode directed by Lost veteran Jack Bender.

George R.R. Martin wrote Game of Thrones as a basic reimaging of the story of the Plantagenets. What is missing from our current political discourse is the possibility of changing our ideas and aims depending on the circumstances. A king can alter his thinking without appearing weak, since he is the supreme ruler, but a democratically elected leader is beholden to his people. The small fiefdoms of Westeros behave more in this way, depending on the loyalty of their bannermen. While essentially undemocratic, this system also had its virtues. Stability was not particularly among them.

The surveys of this period in England are some of our first, best modern nistories. Yet events of even fifty years fade from us now, despite how their shape contemporary lives. It was not even half of a century ago when blacks were allowed civil rights, and to expect certain things in less than a generation is unrealistic. We will so completely forget the people we were in another fifty years that the whole world is likely to become unrecognizable. Giving us the sense of time stretched out behind and ahead of us is part of what made Game of Thrones into HBO’s only remaining viable show.

This is the great problem for the Dragon Queen. She knows a lot about the people with which she intends to conquer Westeros. They smell absolutely terrible, and his best lieutenants suffer from dwarfism, greyscale, eunuch love, failed movie careers and castration. She knows absolutely zero about the place she intends to rule. To date, her entire political philosophy has been to end slavery; but there are no slaves in Westeros. Her plan is somewhat akin to raising an army of free men in the American South to liberate the North.

I hope there is a twist coming soon, because I do not think Jonathan Pryce and Tommen Baratheon are useful enough villains to make their removal by dragons very satisfying. If Drogon bit the head off of Randyll Tarly and forced Littlefinger to insert his manhood into the dragon fireduct maybe I would be happy for a bit, but I still doubt this can be wrapped up in a satisfying way, e.g. Jon Snow turns heel and burns the Night’s Watch to death or Roose Bolton marries Lord Tully’s young wife.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

“Oblivius (Moretti remix)” – The Strokes (mp3)

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