In Which Some Of It Still Really Bothers Us

Pet Peeves

by DICK CHENEY

Lena Headey’s eyebrows get darker by the day. As my wife Lynne well knows – we have had more than one messy row about the subject – my pet peeve is eyebrows that don’t match the color of someone’s hair. It’s the reason, I believe, the Zac Efron has become Seth Rogen’s sidekick when he might have been the next Fred Astaire. Or I guess Ginger Rogers was a possibility, too.

I have a lot of other pet peeves. Most of them are Game of Thrones-related, like:

I don’t like that Jaime Lannister has basically ignored his missing hand for four seasons;

I don’t like that the only character who manages to eat on this show is Sandor Clegane;

I don’t like that Samwell Tarly’s wife is extremely sparing with her affections;

I don’t like that Bran looks like he should be married with children of his own by now;

I don’t like that Tyrion Lannister hasn’t had a meaningful plot development since he killed his dada;

I don’t like that ppl are always referring to their spies as birds because they think it’s cute, it sucks;

I don’t like how Jaime Lannister’s masterful generalship all occurred off-screen and made no sense at all;

I don’t like how Jaime Lannister and Brienne did not share a soft hug upon parting;

I don’t like how the actress playing Cersei Lannister in the stage adaptation of season 3 was a better actress than Lena Headey. Actually maybe I do.

I don’t like how Cersei’s massive bodyguard is about the dumbest plot device short of castration;

I don’t like how all I see are ads for Sonic Burger and yet I have never seen an actual one of these restaurants IRL;

I don’t like how it seems that not one character on this show has been the least bit altered from their introduction;

I don’t like how Stephen Colbert believes he is the messiah sent from God to explain the right way to do everything and yet his show tanks every night in the ratings.

I love humility. It may not seem like it, but I do. It is also a fantastic character trait. It is why Brienne is so much fun to watch, and there is a lot to admire, but all the writers can obsess about is who is going to climb her pale carapace for a mounting.

Brienne puts herself down a lot, but you can see that she is mostly confident. Every other character on Game of Thrones without exception is always explaining how great and famous they are. Yet they haven’t actually accomplished anything.

I mean, if you really look at Jaime Lannister’s record, it isn’t very impressive, and Tyrion pretty much connived his way right into exile. The Starks are only good at dying, and Ramsey Bolton hasn’t shown up in like eight episodes, reportedly because he got in a fight with David Benioff over catering.

There is a startling dearth of accomplishment on this show. Even Arya’s maniacal plotting has led to five years of training until she gave up and just went home. Her abysmal chase sequence with her cute friend was about as exciting as watching Wile E. Coyote saunter after his prey. One of these people has to be good at something.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

“Laughing Academy” – Arms (mp3)

todd goldstein.jpg

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