In Which We Do Not Know Whether To Begin With Her

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to


Things have been going great with this woman, Tuesday, who I met on Bumble. We have tons in common and when we are together the conversation flows so well I never have to spend any time thinking of what I am going to say.

We agreed that we would take things slowly yet next week will be a month together. Whenever I slightly allude to the idea of quantifying our relationship in some way, Tuesday changes the subject or says things are great. Am I silly for wanting to confirm our committment to each other in some way?

Taylor R.

just plain afraid to fail


If someone doesn’t want to make a committment to you — and it’s clear by Taylor’s words and deeds that she has no desire to do so at this point in time — then why would you make a committment to them? Specifically encouraged by you, these words would have less than no meaning. It would be the equivalent of indentured servitude, not a choice of love out of her own free will.

When a woman wants to be with you and no one else, she will fucking tell you. If she does not, there is a very good reason — from her perspective — that this has not occurred. Talking her out of whatever reason she has for her choice is a completely unproductive task. She will let you know if this changes. If it does not, you must decide for yourself whether the relationship as it is currently constituted is worthwhile for you.

Being vulnerable and actually liking someone makes some people needy and clingy. They want to hear magical words of reassurance. If she cared that much for you, she would give you those words. But it’s only been a month, and you are entitled to think they belong to you. Some people feel quickly and hard — for others, romantic feelings only emerge after a long interlude. If you’re not willing to be patient, you may never get what you want, and you might not anyway.



My boyfriend Clint is a lot more intelligent than I am. He went to a top school and at his job he is dealing with things that I could not even begin to understand fully.

Sometimes I wonder if in the long term I will be enough for him. Won’t he want someone who he can share his life with fully?

Chelsea E.

hard to say mia nguyen


Assuming that you challenge your boyfriend in some way, it’s probably fine. However, it does give us pause when you explain that you are not quite sure what he does at his job. John Gotti’s wife had a very similar excuse.

If he really does love you, he probably loves your mind as well, for reasons that have very little to the inadequacies you are perceiving. Wasn’t Albert Einstein’s wife a basic as well? I’ll check on that later.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.


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