In Which She Who Makes A Beast of Herself Gets Rid of the Pain of Being A Woman

We Only Want What We Can’t Have

by Alex Carnevale

The list of actresses who are so thoroughly absorbed in the character they play that they will never be successful in another role grows longer by the day.

Jenna Fischer, who plays the meek secretary Pam Beasley, pretty much lost us when she started being a dick to Toby. Her new film, The Promotion, has already begun to irritate us. The British Office was smart to finish up with the English Jim and Pam’s hot makeout.

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trying too hard to prove she’s bosomy

We are living the future of this decision, when two uglifying forces hold hands during a walk for charity, or peck at each other behind the desk of poverty. The whole point to the Gervais and Merchant Office is that the two would leave this sad paper factory and pursue a new life as artists, or failing that, actors. How we will they could truly be set free!

Fischer herself is only kind of hot. She consistently wants to be so unerringly cute that it makes us super nauseous, especially in the mornings. She is the female personification of an over-sweetness, a desire to be cute instead of actually interesting, that we despise with every fibre of our being.

Her recent blog entries are soon to be used against Al-Qaeda operatives in Guantanamo Bay.

Hello! It is almost midnight in Los Angeles and I’m leaving for New York in the morning. I haven’t started packing! I have laundry to do and the house to clean. I need to run to the store for cat supplies. (Okay, now I’m officially stressed.)

I’m doing really great. I had a tough year last year. But I’m stronger because of it. I worked hard to fight my way back to physical health. I found a great balance in my personal life. I’m happier than I think I’ve ever been.

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In Which We Showcase Humor in An Almost Classical Mode

Things I Find Funny

by Danish Aziz

This Is No Game, the episode of Conan O’Brien that was taped in front of an all-child audience, Money by Martin Amis, stuff poor/dumb white people like:

Tim Duncan’s temporary afro, theater majors, Noreaga, Mitch Hedberg:

nicknames, referring to white chicks as “mileys”, Hipster Runoff, referring to Rob Rutherford’s sophomore year coat as “fat coat”:

everything Eric Cartman has ever said, the first few times I heard the “what I should’ve said” joke by Mike Birbigs:

“You’d Be Surprised” – Mike Birbiglia (mp3)

more Birbiglia:

photo captions, the racial sensitivity episode of The Office:

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In Which Hillary Clinton Is The Seagoat of Our Wildest Dreams

This is the second part of a series in which our guest astrologer breaks down the star charts of the presidential candidates. You can read Barack Obama’s breakdown here.

The Supersuperdelegates:

Horoscoping the 2008 Presidential Election

by Zelina Kurkova

Hillary Clinton
October 26 1947
Chicago, IL

If anyone can defy astrology, it is Hillary Clinton. A powerhouse as a mere child, Hillary is made of iron and rock. Her star chart shows an aggressive Capricorn. Prudent and ambitious are both traits of this sign, but as double Capricorn, Hillary tends towards the negative, her miserliness coming across in a campaign that can’t pay its bills. As a president, Hillary would be a hard person to work for. She tends to separate people more than bring them together, although she never could separate Bill from the genitals of other women. Still, a Capricorn who has survived tumult, like a dying, damaged and pregnant goat, knows it can surmount anything.

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In Which I Just Wish I Were A Lot Older Or A Lot Younger

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dora maar au chat

What Are We Looking For If Not to Please?

by Molly Young

The men at the next table are talking politics. “Nixon got elected because his head was so big,” one of them says. Starbucks has emptied out and each occupied table makes a conspicuous contribution to the ambient noise.

This is how I hear the couple next to me speaking Portuguese. A man and a woman, each partner picking up exactly where the other left off so there is no pause in conversation.

The two are short and dark, with the butter-dense volume of moneyed Europeans. Like Picasso. Thick and virile, even the women. They must eat a lot of sardines.

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picasso & his wife

Anyhow. The woman is lovely.

She acts as though she’s young and beautiful, even though she’s not. It’s a kind of confidence that makes Americans resentful of Europeans. For them, I guess, looks are incidental to attractiveness. I’m generalizing here.

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birkin, gardner

This is what I am thinking as I watch the Portuguese couple. They have drinks but barely touch them, and this strikes me as another important distinction between Them and Us. When Americans buy drinks, we drink them fast. My cup has been empty since I got here. I drank it quickly in order to finish it before I realized that I wanted something else.

This, incidentally, is one of the reasons Americans love buffets. Because we think that satisfying an appetite is about having a lot of choices. Ditto malls. These things prey on the anxiety that if you don’t get to see everything you’ll miss out.

But then, of course, that anxiety doesn’t go away even after you’ve seen everything. Instead you wind up feeling anxious AND glutted – a horrible combo.

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alt, casta

The Portuguese couple finish their drinks and get up to leave, still talking. The man takes his wife’s cup and throws it away for her. They amble out the door and I return to my Starbucks brochure that I found near the Splenda, and which I am reading because I forgot my book. It tells me that Starbucks offers up to 87,000 different drink combinations, and at the same time I read this someone orders a raspberry hot chocolate with gusto.

Molly Young is the senior contributor to This Recording. She lives in Providence, Rhode Island. Her website is Magic Molly, and you can read her past work on TR here, here, here, here, here, and here.

MAGIC MIXTAPE FOR YOU

“Carbon Dating” – Super Furry Animals (mp3)

“Violet” – Thao Nguyen & the Get Down Stay Down (mp3)

“Soak Up the Sun” – Sheryl Crow (mp3)

nadir afonso

“Blade in the Back” – UNKLE (mp3)

“These Days (Nico cover)” – St. Vincent (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Personal ads are a tough business.

Absolutely the greatest Craigslist post ever.

Tess had a Carrie Bradshaw moment.

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julio pomar

In Which The Game Is Disappointingly Captured By The Hunter

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the iTunes playlist: Gnarls Barkley

The new Gnarls album is on its way, and if you are enterprising you can find it out there already. It’s a bit inconsistent, but still good fun. “Going On” is a hot track, I’ll post that this weekend and let the RIAA find me. The Gnarls Barkley act, with the costumes and the Obama heritage visual, is still entertaining enough. We are a little bit more interested in the rumored Danger Mouse collaboration with Black Thought, also I have to get on finding the leaked Black Keys album he worked on, Attack and Release. Here now the long awaited Gnarls Barkley iTunes playlist:

“You Set the Scene” – Love (mp3)

‘If you want she brings you water/If you don’t then you will burn” I have always thought that burning must be one of the most painful ways to go. Luckily, on both occasions that my jacket caught on fire, there was water available. Perhaps I somehow willed it thus. But it could be a coincidence.

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