In Which Our Laser Eyes Behold You

Well If You Wanted Honesty That’s All You Had To Say

by Tess Lynch

Awhile back a friend of mine said that he wished he could meet with Simon Cowell over lunch and get some feedback. I don’t think he had anything specific to ask, I think he just wanted to get an hour-long version of the appraisals people get during American Idol.


“Why? Oh my god, why?” I asked him.

“Just to see what he’d say. Everybody knows he’s always right.”

I was going to argue, but then I thought, no, he’s got something there.

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In Which We Come In Peace, Earthlangz

GREETINGS UNINSURED EARTHLINGS

by Tess Lynch

First of all, I’m very sorry that Heath Ledger died. He was, along with Cate Blanchett, one of the only things that kept me from walking out of I’m Not There; because I’m preoccupied with whether he was being courted by The Cult We Dare Not Name (Theresa Duncan, anyone?), and because I really did admire Heath’s work, I will not post my scathing review of I’m Not There (however, I think Molly put it best the other night when she said “I’m Not There Will Be Blood,” and now I’ve said that and that’s all I’m going to say about it), at least not until Todd Haynes produces something else for me to attack at the same time.

However, luckily there’s something else that I’d like to discuss. Two things, actually, totally unrelated:

1. Is there life on Mars?

“Life On Mars” — David Bowie (mp3)

This is, truly, the freakiest show.

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In Which We Crack Open The Egg Of Web Videos And Reveal A Technicolor Snack For You During The Strike

InterNetwork

by Tess Lynch

Without the internet, there is also no place for stuff like this.

I’ve not been terribly affected by the writer’s strike — partially because I just got TiVo for my boyfriend (read: also myself) for Christmas, so there’s a backlog of documentaries of weird illnesses and the like, and partially because I wasn’t, you know, working on a show that’s now on indefinite hiatus. I have some friends who have lost their jobs because of the strike; while that’s sad and all, it’s really not as bad as when we all start losing our minds because, after the episodes air that were in the can before the strike aired, THERE IS NO GOOD TV. Except Moment of Truth, my most highly-anticipated reality show/game show event since Temptation Island.

cat.jpg

Shameless kitten promotion

Anyway, now is the time to look to the web for entertainment, get some AV cables, and pretend that everything is fine, just fine. Here’s a starter list for some of the better videos we’ve seen on the ‘net, some of which are getting buzz and some of which aren’t yet; if you have more you’d like to share, please give ’em up in comments or through electronic mail (I hear that shit lands in your inbox IMMEDIATELY!).

I’ve listed the videos by name (the name is the link to their homepage, if they have one); the link to the featured video is below it, and if I really, really liked it I embedded the video IN UR BRAIN.

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In Which You Have The Body Of A Premature Infant And You Look STUNNING

Baby’s First Crash Diet

by Tess Lynch

Before

After

Crash diets are a terrible idea, okay? But aren’t they sort of fascinating? I was watching Super Skinny Me and really thought that the colonics, the gross watercress soup, and the Saran-wrap steam shower paled in comparison to good, old-fashioned, crazy crash diets. Some of my favorites:

Before

After

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In Which We Celebrate The Boob Tube, Dude

The Dreamy Syndicateds

by Tess Lynch

Remember Dream On? This post is sort of like that.

I wanted to make a list of my favorite characters of television, but I have to add the disclaimer that I don’t watch The Wire or Deadwood or the American Office. Also I realize that Pete & Pete should be featured more prominently, but I don’t want this to get too long and I don’t want to cut anybody. HAPPY HOLIDAZE.

The Sopranos

1. Peter Paul Gaultieri, aka Paulie Walnuts

Yes, everyone. I love Tony Soprano. In fact, I think I’m most like Tony Soprano of any character in television besides Mary Tyler Moore. However, Paulie Walnuts is, to me, one of the most interesting folks ever created by someone else. First of all, his relationship with his mother both terrifies me and makes me want to bake him a pie. He is funny and totally obnoxious, and his character traits (superstitions, fabulous hair, difficulties with women, foot-in-mouth syndrome) stay consistent, while still avoiding the tedium that sometimes comes with this. He could easily exist. He is probably an uncle of someone you know, in some other incarnation.

2. Christopher Moltisanti

Christopher is like Hamlet, and also like George W. Bush, and also like Prince Hal. He is nothing like Hal Prince, however. Christopher is a loser (see: Cleaver, sitting on a dog), but he’s also, in a lot of ways, the most tragic hero (if you can say that) of The Sopranos.

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