In Which We Hop Into The Flashback Machine For Choice Slams on Dave Eggers

We don’t really like Dave Eggers. It’s not because we don’t like A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius–the part where he tries to apply to The Real World is pretty funny. It’s not because he (evidently) likes African children. It’s because he’s confused the two things–you know, life and art. And because he moronically pretended that he could capture the experience of a refugee, which we don’t really care if he thinks he can, he can’t. Not because it’s not possible, but because he’s not smart enough to do so. Back in December this got us thinking–what would it be like to be inside of the mind of a man that retarded? 

I imagine it’s really tough when your wife writes a better book than you. Dave Eggers’ wife wrote a better book than him. Here is the cover of that book:

Then you hear about a movie that’s coming out. The trailers show a white man exploiting a black man for financial gain, and the white man using the most ridiculous accent you have ever heard.

You wonder if because that is racist, that your new book is also racist. You turn to your delicious wife and say, “I never should have put that Kramer on the cover.” And you cry. You roll around in all the dollar bills your exploitation of your family made you and you cry. How can I help all that need to be helped you sob endlessly.

You notice your wife’s book on the table.

You imagine that the woman on the cover is your wife. Then you realize she is your wife. You sob a little more.

And Now You Can Go is a better book, but not much better. It’s retailing for roughly one cent if you want one.

On the “Things You Will Actually Enjoy Reading Side of the Ledger”, there are these two books.

You’ll never find that one, though.

“Sweet Days of Discipline” is the taut, gorgeous story of a young girl at a girls boarding school. It’s one of the strangest, most sincere stories of total isolation, and then connection that is gratifying and disturbed. Because it articulates all these new ways of feeling, I think it came off a little cold to some critics. Sometimes cold is good. Instead of having to tell a story that is not your own, to resort to journalism–the depths of the fictional art–means you lack imagination–about yourself, and the world.

I don’t really have a problem with Eggers, there’s certainly room for his work. But he makes the error that it’s OK to act like you’re young when you’re not young. He’s thirteen years older than me, making him ancient. You should have your shit together by now.

“Searches and Seizures” by Stanley Elkin consists of three discrete novellas.

In the first, titled “The Bailbondsman” a lot of shit goes down. In the second a dude bones a female bear. In the third, “The Condominium,” Elkin comments on all the impossibilities of modern existence and makes you laugh, oh will you laugh…

Also, the bear. It’s seriously worth the price of admission.

I’ll come up with some shit for Dad later. ‘Dad’ I mean. My dad’s all set, I’m getting him…wait for it…A NEW PUPPY! EAT SHIT DAD THAT PUPPY WILL POOP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR SWIMMING TRUNKS AND CHANGE PURSE

The rest of the night is dedicated to absorbing the happiness that is the possibility of a Bret Easton Ellis TV project.

“Seventeen Devils” — Starlight Mints

“People Do It All the Time” — Stereolab

“Italian Shoes Continuum” — Stereolab

Two new chapbooks are out from Horseless Press, here and here.