In Which We Discuss All The Times We Cried

I’m Not Crying, It’s Only Raining on My Face

by Alex Carnevale

It’s embarrassing to admit when you cry. After all, this blog has redefined masculinity for a whole new generation. We’ve shown countless times that we are unafraid to comment on things that the culture considers feminine- Jews, Joanna Newsom, Douglas Coupland, Sarah and Jimmy. I never really used to cry. I’d cry when I was particularly angry, before I became able to control my anger. But eventually life dulled into a unending sequence of unrelated events and experiences that mostly existed on the Internet.

“I’m Not Crying” – Flight of the Conchords (mp3)

Willem Dafoe cries…

Lately, I find I am crying more and more often. I cry at more traditional things. I think the reason is that I now have a wealth of mental associations that any given sad thing is connected to.

Here are things that get my ducts going.

2006: Melinda Doolittle singing on American Idol. God knows I never thought I’d ever watch American Idol, let alone start crying because of it, but hey, we all get older, haven’t you heard that Stevie Nicks song? I have never heard this song, nor do I know who The Wiz are, but this cute tiny woman with a massive voice getting so into it and being so overwhelmed by what’s going on…too much. Too much for me, people!

I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you

Six years ago: Harry Potter hugging the big dude. Few things get my tearsacks flaccid like orphans. The first Harry Potter was a little unexpected, and when they broke out Harry hugging Hagrid at the end, and you knew that he had no parents. WTF mate. I may have been really, really hungover, but that was tough. Orphans. Just…orphans.

Robert “Iron Man” Downey Jr. gets nude and cries

Dave Matthews’ guest appearance on House. Matthews played this autistic piano genius. Spoiler alert, House has half his brain removed and he actually isn’t autistic and he learns how to button his shirt. Hey, Rain Man was sad, too.

“Under Pressure (Queen cover)” – Keane (mp3)

Dustin “Rain Man” Hoffman cries

November 4, 1995: Yitzhak Rabin dies. I hate politicians as a general rule, but no nation has more inspiring ones than Israel. Rabin was a good man, if naive. If I’d been around during the JFK deal, I would have been sad, but JFK was a douchebag who cheated on his wife, so how sad could I have been? In Israel there’s a lot more at stake than in the U.S., too. I never have to worry about the U.S. going anywhere, but Israel’s existence may never not be in question. Props to David Ben-Gurion. Nice work there.

Forest “Ghost Dog” Whitaker cries

Last year: The Up Series. This seven part British documentary that follows the lives of a group of children introduced at 7 is one of the saddest things ever put on television. It may also be one of the greatest things ever done in the documentary form. It’s really, really sad.

Kristoffer “Kris” Kristofferson cries

Somewhere around the year 2002, Spiritualized. The greatest band in the world has made me cry countless times I’m sure. I was fortunate to see them live once when they hit Providence for whatever reason. Naturally I bawled like a baby.

Last weekend: WALL·E forgets who he is: He forgot about his favorite movie and his favorite videotape, and he forget about the interrobot sex he was going to have with the recovery unit. Also, he’s not happy about having to share his trailer with the guy who did the voice for the Captain.

Tim Roth cries

May 23, 1999: Owen Hart dies on PPV. I didn’t shell out money for wrestling PPVs back when I was into it, but I was following the results on 1wrestling when a massive newsflash popped up. Hart died trying a stupid stunt in which he was to come down from the roof of Kemper Arena in Kansas City. He fell on his head and died instantly. He was so young, and such a great person. So sad. The next night they did a Tribute show, and that may have been the most emotional two hours of my young life.

Ed Harris cries

March 28, 2006: Arrested Development is gone for good. The show that redefined the sitcom and created so many top jokes: never nudes, Mr. Reinhold’s Courtroom, hey hermano, have sex right now, Ann, The Man Inside Me, analrapist. This:

Lucille: Michael Moore confronted me on national television.
Michael: First of all, that was not Michael Moore. That was a Michael Moore look-alike. And second it wasn’t national television. It was for a bit, on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Lucille: I don’t know what that is nor do I care to find out.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He is probably crying right now. Wait, now. Now. Please share your favorite tear-jobs in the comments.

GET IT ALL OUT

“The Night Skey” – Keane (mp3)

“Let It Slide” – Keane (mp3)

“He Used to Be A Lovely Boy” – Keane (mp3)

Ryan Gosling cries

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