In Which And It’s Theresa That I Love The Best

I did most of my heavy reading when I was a kid. I had glasses by kindergarten. My vision kept getting worse and worse. I don’t know anyone who has worse vision than I do, and if I did meet this person, I would be mad because I would no longer be as original.

It must have sucked to be a caveman and be like, “That was a bison?! I thought it was a fucking squirrel! Why did I look at those friggin’ cave drawings in the dark?” That, and no hygiene.

Here’s mainly what I read, and really, what all children should read.

10. The MacDonald Hall Series, Gordon Korman

One look at that cover sends me back to the maudlin Canadian boarding school world of Bruno and Boots, where headmasters spoiled the most genius plans. The best part of this book was that there was always some massive plan at the end that was going to explain everything that went on. The characters were also very real. Boots was practically a member of my family.

9. The Westing Game, Ellen Raskin

One of the greatest books for young adults ever written, The Westing Game makes it clear that the best thing to do is to fake your own death, appoint tons of people as your heirs, and then put them through psychological torture until they learn to really appreciate you.

I had read this on a teacher’s recommendation before it was introduced to us in school. Instead of making us read it, they just showed us the TV movie. Nice.

8. The Golden Compass, Phillip Pullman

Phillip Pullman hates religion and C.S. Lewis. He cast a girl as the central hero of his book, which is a nice touch. There’s not much more you have to do to endear yourself to me. The Golden Compass is the first book in the His Dark Materials trilogy. His titles aren’t that great–for instance, it’s not actually a compass–but the material in this first one makes me wish I had read it when I was a chile. The subsequent ones are also good, but the storytelling here is just off the page. Get excited for the movie (Chris Weitz is an underrated director) but not too excited, as Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig spell nothing but sexual confusion and weird accents if you ask me. So you didn’t.

Once again, though, the book is totally worth it if you’re an adult and will be one of the best things you’ll read all year. It’s that imaginative and interesting. It makes Children of Men look like, well, Children of Men.

7. The Great Brain series, John D. Fitzgerald

Set in a small Mormon town with an impossible boy-genius who took everyone’s money through sleight of medulla oblongata, The Great Brain made it safe for every boy-genius tale that follows. The brilliance of this series started with the message–being smarter than other people is important and gives you a lot of power–that stuff like Harry Potter doesn’t. (I’m not demeaning Harry Potter, just pointing out that do your homework isn’t exactly its main message. Not that it even should be.) If you want to talk about books holding up, the Korman books may be a lot dated, but Fitzgerald has an immortal tapestry, and he’s really, really funny. My personal favorite was the one where they send the Great Brain off to boarding school. To say that I was freaking would have been a colossal understatement.

6. A Wrinkle in Time, Madeleine L’Engle

As you can tell, I’ve always liked heroines. For instance, I found the girl in Number the Stars extremely appealing. I mean, look at that cover. Hot. This one’s pretty much a classic, so there’s no need to explain, but damn was this confusing when I read it. In hindsight, what kind of crack was L’Engle on? Perhaps more importantly, how is she still alive? Her book design was amazing though. Check this one out:

When I’m not counting something down, I get nervous. That’s probably why I’m looking forward to oblivion with such excitement. 5-1 later.

“Sarah” — Fleetwood Mac