In Which She Has So Many Douchebags And So Little Time

She Only Wants What She Can Have

by Alex Carnevale

There is nothing more exciting than a woman who has no idea what she wants. The awesome spectacle in question this time is Ms. DeAnna Pappas of ABC’s The Bachelorette.

DeAnna’s only 25, so we can forgive her indecision in these matters. For the most part, she’s made good decisions, unlike Vince Vaughn.

Our story got intriguing when DeAnna dumped the prohibitive favorite, a scruffy professional basketball player named Graham. Graham was from the Mystery school of romance, and his stunning fall from grace was complete when a source no less authoritative than his own mother confessed to DeAnna that he’d never had a relationship longer than four months.

The episode left us with a woman who had made a serious choice in an essentially unserious competition. She openly admitted as much, asking if now that  the incorrigible Graham (he once refused to kiss her) was off the show, did she really still have a chance at love?

graham: looking good on a beach only takes you so far

Graham was afraid of commitment. So was the object of DeAnna’s initial affection in the previous edition of the series, Bachelor Brad Womack. That DeAnna came in runner-up to a Phoenix Suns cheerleader (who he subsequently dumped) is all you need to know about poor Brad. As the saying goes, show me the most beautiful woman in the world, and I’ll show you a guy that’s tired of sleeping with her. This was true of brad and nearly every woman in the world – after all, he owns four bars.

DeAnna is a Greek woman with a pleasant disposition and an enjoyable personality. Wherever you find one of those, you can also be sure that you have found a woman who is difficult to please. She has spent the majority of the season playing these guys like the dumb accordions they were.

Given that whatever romance DeAnna embarked on, it would be a rebound, the bar was low. I had more balls than these guys and I spent last night nursing a head cold and listening to an album Danish said was touted as half-Spiritualized and half-Death Cab.

The serious paucity of the remaining talent pool (three douches deep) going into last night spoke volumes, as did DeAnna’s not-so-warm greetings for the first two men.

Jeremy was first. Hated by all the other dudes in the house – they nicknamed him ‘Captain D-Bag’ – DeAnna was drawn to him because he was pretty and because his parents were also dead. As she put it, “I’ve never dated anyone who’s gone through the same thing I’ve gone through. I felt like I was meant to be with this person.” The frightening body language in her greeting to him spelled certain doom.

spicoli is ALIVE

Now she’s left with a choice between Spicoli and Jason, a man willing to flaunt his 3 year old son for ass.

Poor DeAnna. Our girl just wants someone who wants to be with her, but not someone who wants to be with her that much. Will she ever find love?

DeAnna’s fake or real tan (I can’t tell) gives her the ethnic sheen, but she’s really just a Greek chick. Basically, a better looking Nia Vardalos.

I may or may not have accidentally watched this movie on TBS at 3 am last weekend

The hero of My Big Fat Greek Wedding was the same dude who lost out to Chris Noth in Sex in the City, so he knows all too well that wanting someone too badly pushes them away. (Those two movies should share the same universe, like in View Askewniverse.)

It’s better to just let things happen. Romance just arrives for the Canadian Vardalos one day as she’s sitting at her desk in a travel agency. She didn’t have to work this hard for it.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

wouldn’t it really simplify things if Aidan Quinn and John Corbett became one person?

DEANNA COME LIVE WITH US AND MAKE TAN BABIES

“Worthy of Your Esteem” – Hayden (mp3)

“Damn This Feeling” – Hayden (mp3)

“In Field & Town” – Hayden (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Wii replaced the concept of woman with the concept of Wii.

He just liked to look at it.

Sonata for an f-d up keyboard.

damn canadians have it so easy