Stop Torturing Those Belugas & Other Links for Your Holiday Hangover
by Alex Carnevale
Before we get going, check out Green Peaness’ classic year-end best-of roundup. We love, love, love it.
Since we announced that we were accepting unsolicited submissions however many moons ago, the flow to my inbox has been steady.
Despite our pledge not to publish anonymous contributions, we were tempted here:
maybe this goes with some other articles you have??? I could try and add more if you want to print it please use the name TRASHCAN ANDERSON or PENELOPE BICYCLE or Lowenhart Amber
The Difference Between Men and Women
by Trashcan Anderson
the difference between men and women
when women wipe themselves they start at the top of the vagina and slide slide
all the way down to the asshole
either don’t wipe their penises
do both parts separate
advice to men might be
pick an old movie-star and learn him
commune with animals
get a good voice
advice to women might be
make more jokes
climb over fences
only cry for exercise
heterosexual love only feels original in San Fran
and North Hamp and that theatery town near the sea
practice sports in secret
keep a thong around for laughs
soon Trans will become more prevalent
subverting all old-fashioned advice columns such as this
catching our parents off guard
We couldn’t agree more. Thanks to Ms. Anderson for that one.
i want love but it’s impossible a man like me so irresponsible
As you can tell from the above, I was auditioning for a dating columnist for awhile. The position’s still open, although I loved the last line of this prospective post:
The Long Close
It’s easy to be myopic when you have an acquaintance on the docket who is a clear contender but isn’t throwing herself at you or giving immediate signs of wanting to hit it. This is often the case when you realize that you want to shag a woman who is a casual “friend” around the graduate school library or workplace. Maybe you have her number because she gave it to you at some point for work related matters.
This is a tough spot, because it’s hard to just throw yourself out there, too much to lose if she isn’t ready or willing. It’s permanently awkward and you wasted the chance to build on your connection. So when do you make the move to see her outside the office? The answer is you wait until it’s really casual and it’s too easy for her to meet up with you. You are setting up for the “long close.” She’s not going anywhere and there’s no rush. If you can see her wearing a bathrobe monogrammed with your last name in her initials, then you owe it to both of you to go for the “long close.”
My brother just moved into Julie’s neighborhood. We were finished moving him into his new apartment and sat down for a few slices. I contemplated calling her to see if she would join us, but I realized that it might be too much pressure to come meet my family for our first out-of-office meeting. Plus, it’s not like she’s going to fuck me over pizza.
You may see more from this contributor once he gets back from San Diego.
girls don’t like to fuck over pizza, although that did happen in one of molly’s screenplays
Lastly, we also have a rule against giving political poetry its own post. We were rather tempted in the case of our regular contributor Peter Asen’s latest screed, but you can decide for yourself:
Twas the Right before Christmas
by Peter Asen
Twas the night before Primary Day
And all through the field
not a creature had morals
Not even a good spiel
Fred Thompson can’t bother
to raise up his hand
with his red pickup and babe wife
he’s the salt of the land
“Grounds for Divorce” – Wolf Parade (mp3)
Ol’ Rudy’s been naughty
and twas sleeping around
and the new york cops drove
Him to Judi Nathan’s town
Mitt’s got as many positions
as Mormons have spouses
He’s tough on immigrant workers
When they’re not toiling on his houses
And oh my oh my gosh
Are the pundits aghast
As a preacher named Huckabee
Rolls in from Christmas past
With his guitar, his bible,
His jokes and his grins
To the party elites
He’s a kick in the shins
If this cast of goofballs
is to drive you insane
don’t forget about the warmonger
hypocrite Jock McCain
He denounced Jerry Falwell
When he ran last time round
But in the ’08 race
Jerry’s grave is sacred ground
He’s come from Hanoi Hilton
all the way to Hilton Head
Jock, I got some advice
Don’t let the devil know you’re dead.
sweet poem, peter, we didn’t know you had it in you…wait, I guess we did
IN THE LAND SNOW IS GLISTENING
“Flowers Never Bend With the Rainfall” – Paul Simon (mp3)
“Mr. Grieves” – TV on the Radio (mp3)
“Kwangchow” – King Biscuit Time (mp3)
“Blame It On the Sun” – Emiliana Torrini (mp3)
“North Ontario” – Gordon Lightfoot (mp3)
YOU HAVE BEEN PATIENT, HERE BE YOUR LINKS
My friends over at horse less press, publishers of the most recent phenomenal chapbook, The Photograph–
are looking for submissions for their new print anthology:
HORSE LESS PRESS will publish a print anthology in 2008. THE THEME is response. WE ARE INTERESTED in the following 1) writings that respond to, collaborate with, collage from, extend, elaborate, etc. a piece of writing that HAS APPEARED in horse less review, 2) COLLABORATIONS WITH WRITERS who’ve been published by horse less press or review, 3) BEGINNINGS, FRAGMENTS, PROPOSALS, HALF-MADE WORKS which desire some attention. We may also be interested in collaborative or response-based writings that do not fall into these categories. Please query early if you have an idea. SUBMISSIONS GO to horselessresponse at gmail dot com. Our deadline is January 31, 2008. Send work IN THE BODY of email or as a single word, rtf, or pdf file. IN A COVER letter please tell us a little about yourself and a little about the work you are submitting. PLEASE CLARIFY whether your submission falls into category 1, 2, 3. If #1, MAKE SURE you identify the source work. IF YOU NEED MORE information, visit our website or send questions to the above email address.
Silliman has more links if you are bored of ours.
Burlesque self-esteem and Calvin Trillin.
Funny Cloverfield review. The more the marketing campaign reveals itself, the less I want to see this.
I finally saw Spiderman 3, and while I will spare you the full review, the movie was pretty boring until they FINALLY did the Venom sequence, and it was so awesome. I love Venom, and also bad Tobey, and also Bryce Dallas Howard, good lord:
Real-life Spiderman gets arrested:
On his official website, Mr Robert wrote: “Spiderman is my nickname, but I have no supernatural powers. When I climb skyscrapers, there’s no special effect, no safety net.” He claimed to have overcome vertigo to become the “best solo climber.”
It is understood that Mr Robert has climbed more than 70 of the world’s tallest structures, including the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Empire State Building in New York and the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur, without equipment or a safety net.
Gordon Korman signed to write the second book of The 39 Clues series, which is a good idea.
Underrated things about New York.
It’s tough to be a Jew on Christmas.
Nicolas Cage is huge abroad.
Tiger goes wild at San Francisco Zoo. Go tiger, it’s your birthday!
Sweet Land Rover vacation.
Six ways to stay thin in ’08.
There Will Be Blood love.
Also, I didn’t know Slate was running Doonesbury. Is there anything less funny than Doonesbury, maybe a colon cleanse?
Will Smith loves Hitler, just kidding, I can’t believe the Jewish Defense League responded to this. Do they really think Hitler thought he was a bad person?
New York City’s math curriculum is a joke and the “educators” here sadden me.
Not to brag or anything, but I won my fantasy football league this year. My team name would make a great New Year’s present.
The Bible on taxation and probably representation as well.
We probably should have been on this list.
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He lives in Manhattan.
BLOGS WE OFTEN FIND OURSELF INSIDE OF
laker games are weird, go suns!
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
Get used to hell being other people.
Learn something new about yourself nowsy.
Bob Dylan for fun.
the late, great penelope bicycle