Letter to Josh Radnor
by Barclay Memphis
Listen, someone called me up and was like, are you watching Josh’s show? And I was like, well, it hasn’t been funny since season 1, so no.
Our friend was like, “Dude, he’s gonna move to New Jersey and marry Sarah Chalke.” And I’m not afraid to admit that shocked me bro. You reading to some chick’s daughter in her bed at night is a fucking weird image. This is the guy I once saw punch a woman in the face and rear back for another.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s not New Jersey. New Jersey’s a fucking great state. It’s where I got the best head of my life. No, it’s this idea that you’re going to move out to suburbia and become some happy fucking family? As much as you might want to be, you’re not that guy.
First of all, there’s the matter of Sarah’s young daughter. See how she’s acting all nice? I used to date the daughters of single moms, and trust me, they was no end to what they did because they hate their mother.
Plus dude, did you not see her dry humping the guy from Scrubs? Don’t name check Garden State, I have to pretend that movie doesn’t exist to go on living.
And I kno what you’re saying bro – everybody banged the guy on Scrubs, even Madonna and Joanna Newsome. But that’s not the point.
But really this isn’t about her. Personally I would never marry a blonde, but if you’re going to marry one, a doctor who can’t feasibly cheat on you is as good a move as any.
It’s not that her daughter will hate you and probably stick a finger in the asshole of whetever second child you add into the mix. It’s not that she did Zach Braff and probably Kevin Connolly as well.
You don’t even know yourself, man. You were this star architect because you didn’t want to build the penis shaped building the dad on Malcolm in the Middle designed, and you got promoted above your grade. Plus you blew the whole thing with Cobie which we knew was gonna happen, or at least I did, because she asked me if you were gay.
And as your show’s ratings continue to decline, and all the stars flee from it like a sinking ship, and Jason Segel’s face completes its slow progress of resembling my ass, I’m begging you. Don’t marry this girl. Don’t marry anyone until you are yourself, not where you live.
P.S. I hear the other chick who played the daughter on Roseanne is single, interested?
P.P.S. Do you know if Brett Butler‘s still alive?
“Duet” – Rachael Yamagata (mp3)
“Elephants” – Rachael Yamagata (mp3)
“What If I Leave” – Rachael Yamagata (mp3)
“Little Life” – Rachael Yamagata (mp3)
“Elephants (instrumental)” – Rachael Yamagata (mp3)
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