Have I Told You Lately That I Love Mario
by Alex Carnevale
designed by Yoshiaki Koizumi
Nintendo Wii, $49.99
The last Mario platformer, Super Mario Sunshine, was something of a disappointment to most casual gamers. I, on the other hand, played it until I got to a stage I couldn’t get past and then gave up in a post-orgasmic fury.
If you don’t like Mario, you probably think Knocked Up is sexist.
The Ten Most Important Games of All Time.
The Village Voice review.
As has been examined elsewhere, the story for this Mario game is about as interesting as all three of the Halo games combined, which isn’t saying much.
It has been said that this game is a tribute to Super Mario Brothers 3, but so far, all I have encountered is frustration while trying to swim on a fucking manta ray.
You kooped a Koopa again? Fuck.
Molly has a famous story in which she tried to play Paper Mario but had to stop because it was tweaking her too much. If you took LSD and played Super Mario Galaxy, you would die.
If I had to explain the plot of this game, it would be as follows.
Two Koopas beat the shit out of Mario three decades ago.
He never really got over it, kind of like me and everything.
You have to get the bombs to blow up Megaleg. How come no one is investigating Nintendo for Al Qaeda ties?
He took LSD and bummed around with a lot of women, including Princess, Alison Janney, and Luigi.
“Las Palabras de Amor” — Queen (mp3)
Then Bowser returned and was like, “I’m taking over a galaxy,” and Mario was like, “How the fuck do you breathe in space, you dumb fucking Koopa monster” and Bowser was like, “MAGIC!” and the game was on, once Mario saw Juno. He had to get that out of the way first.
Then Mario headed out into space and a bunch of creatures called Lumas were all over him, “Mario, you’re so great,” “Mario, you’re the only one who can save us,” “Mario, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.”
“Read My Mind (Pet Shop Boys Stars Are Blazing Remix)” — The Killers (mp3)
Mario was like, “Things were so much simpler when I only talked to beings of light through gchat.”
Interview with the game’s designer:
WN: Can you name a specific example of something Miyamoto said that people didn’t understand and you had to explain?
YK: One of the things that makes Miyamoto’s feedback so hard to understand is that none of his sentences have subjects. So you have to rely on context to understand a statement. But more than that, Miyamoto may not know himself what he’s trying to say. Or he may be intentionally vague just to spur thought, just to give people a chance to come up with their own ideas and not limit them to the types of solutions they might be able to find. And it’s always been like that. He’s always wanted to give far more abstract answers rather than clear answers. My role is to cut down that abstraction by giving a few examples of different solutions to problems they’re currently discussing, then sending them over to Miyamoto to see what kinds of reactions they get. I’m getting pretty good at it. We’ve been doing it for ten years.
WN: But can you name one specific thing?
YK: Probably the best example is the very inception of the idea for Galaxy. For the longest time, Miyamoto would say nothing more specific than, “Hey, can you make something with spherical worlds?” And that something had to be defined over a long period of time and eventually tuned into Super Mario Galaxy. But he kept saying that, “can’t you make something out of this whole spherical worlds concept?”
Certainly, it seems like Miyamoto has a reason for this level of abstraction. I feel like he’s making us work to solve these puzzles on purpose, because it’s a process that unlocks the creativity on our side. So even though Miyamoto might have some unformed ideas, the very fact that he would put all these challenges in front of us makes me feel very grateful, because it helps the process.
Using the distraction of Bowser’s pirate spaceships to tap that ass
Playing SMG talks me back to the days when a video game blew your mind. I remember my first encounter with Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo. I thought I was going to die. Same with Sonic the Hedgehog, but more bristly.
Super Mario 64 was a similar reaction, I think it was my first orgasm only I didn’t know it.
Japanese SNES and Genesis
Unlike some of my peers I never experienced the joy of the original Nintendo. I think this helped me because I spent a lot of time reading this guy, and a lot less time playing mindless video games.
“The Seer’s Tower” — Sufjan Stevens (mp3)
I really wish that had worked out better for me. Instead all I did was burn the candle at the other end.
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
Molly’s dark side.
Alex on Martin Amis’ House of Meetings.
Brian tells you why you should love Kenneth Fearing.
Mariho and Luigi of course. You can play Fuck Marry Kill with these two and either plunger.
This Recording 
One thought on “In Which It Is Best Not to Koop a Koopa”