In Which It Will Shock You How Much It Never Happened

Bitch, Please

by Molly Lambert

Mad Men, Season 2
Episode 5, “The New Girl”

These are hard times for heterosexual white men. They suffer discrimination in the workforce, where they are already forced to take humiliating positions as secretaries, flight attendants, and teachers. Millions of boys everyday are thrust out of carefree youth into the many tough responsibilities of teen fatherhood.

Don Draper (Jon Hamm) is a foxxx

Former totem of baroque new age manliness Aaron Sorkin is on Facebook, because he is writing a movie about Facebook (presumably to be called “You’ve Got Facebook”). I am willing to bet he now cries himself to sleep at night watching Mad Men season one reruns on Hulu after he finishes masturbating to pics of Elizabeth Edwards and smoking his homecooked crack.

And sometimes Jezebel commenters turn a discussion about the role of domesticity in feminism into a ten page thread comparing favorite cupcake recipes and ways to knit scarves and I cry like that Indian cries when he sees the garbage piled up at his feet.

BITCH, PLEASE! YOU WILL NEVER BE JOAN HOLLOWAY

Which means I don’t like, cry cry, just like one lonely teardrop rolls down my cheek. Much like that emblem of modern day womanhood LC on The Hills. Not because I’m like, actually bummed out, or because it’s like, rillyrilly sad. Just because like, you know? I mean, like, you know?

like but also like, do u know? I mean like rilly do u?

Everyone has their price. Cruel whores and career girls alike can be bought for the cost of bail or a diamond ring or maybe just a few too many martinis and some steak tartare. Outsourcing childcare to your Catholic sister is a hot move.

This season on Mad Men; Everyone marries Jewish guys

Masculinity is a lie and a scam. What you call masculinity was invented by girls like me to sell wars. Don Draper agrees:

“That’s what our show is about,” Jon Hamm says. “They were full of shit. They didn’t know what they were doing. It makes you look at what that definition of ‘being a man’ really means and is there a happy medium. Instead of subscribing to this definition of a man or dude or guy, do what you want to do, buy a fucking yellow Mini Cooper. Get over it. It’s a fucking fun car to drive. You can do all the other man stuff and be unsatisfied.”

It’s legal to kill Ginger Womyn for their sauciness and impudence

The only scam worse than masculinity is the one which convinced women that men have any fucking idea what they’re doing and we ought to depend on them. Depend on a man for your sense of stability and you will be disappointed. Depend on yourself and you might still be disappointed, but at least you’ll only have yourself to blame. Not just some schmuck who you believed would not let you down and inevitably did.

Paul Rudd on Jon Hamm:

“I found him to be somewhat intimidating,” says Rudd. “I played Trivial Pursuit with him, and he was a senior in high school and I was a freshman in college, and he went straight for yellow. He wanted history questions. If going to yellow in Trivial Pursuit is your first choice, impressive.”

Did you hear that? Jon Hamm intimidates Paul fucking Rudd.

“And how not Jewish is Jon Hamm? But Jon Hamm can throw out a kugel joke and do it the right way. Smart, handsome, and athletic. But he’s also very funny. Guys like that are usually not funny.” I will take a Rudd-Hamm sandwich please.

“He’s inviting you to climb into this wooden chest with him, where you will be buried alive with your dog and coffee machine.”

As many an internet troll has said during the Olympics, “If women had to compete against men, they’d lose most of the time. When you’re at the highest level of sport, men can simply jump higher, run faster, and hit harder, and it’s hard to win against that physical advantage.”

Okay maybe but who would win in a Baby Carryingathalon. Or a 200m Menstrual Bleed. Gymnasts’ wombs stop growing at age eleven and stay frozen in time. I might not be able to beat a man in sports, but there’s plenty else I can beat them at (blogging, for example). I took the song “Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)” as my life’s statement of purpose practically at birth.

There are no easy choices for women, even now when we can excel in both sports and babies, where we can make cupcakes and eat them and then blog our abortions. To ad agencies, we are still mostly two cunts in a kitchen. Even if that kitchen is a single apartment in Brooklyn where the milk always goes bad and your boss’s drunken lady-friend is drooling on the couch.

How To Succeed In Business Without Really Crying

So what can you do? Send your husband to get his sperm counted. Buy a sweater at lunch. Be a woman. Better yet, Pick a job and become the person that does it. Call your boss by his first name. After all, he didn’t make you a copywriter, you did. You have to start living the life of the person you want to be.