Links, Cliques, Dicks and More
by Alex Carnevale
When I’m not responding to another one of Dan Murray’s e-mails about why he can’t find happiness in committed relationships, I am thinking of new entrepreneurial ideas to make me and my blogger friends rich as thieves.
My newest such brainstorm – wait for it — is the gnumber.
Questions?
What exactly is the gnumber?
Good one.
The gnumber refers to the number of people in your gchat list that you have hooked up with.
Of what possible use could this concept be?
It has come to my attention that it can be a little awkward to ask a partner or potential partner how many times they’ve had sex or with who.
Using gtechnology is far more legit. The first question I now ask girls or extremely feminine guys is, “What’s your gnumber?”
They usually answer, “Who the fuck are you?” And I have them where I want them.
What if my gnumber is prime?
My condolences.
“Ankle Injuries” — Fujiya & Miyagi (mp3)
What technically constitutes a hook-up?
Penetration. JK.
Your gfriend becomes part of your gnumber if any of the following conditions are satisfied.
1. You have seen his chimney cleaner.
2. He has seen your tinkleflower.
3. You made out a little but it was weird.
What exactly does a gnumber communicate?
That’s gcommunicate.
My bad.
That’s OK. The brilliance of the gnumber is that it is constantly changing. Here are a few potential uses:
1. You check your partner’s gnumber at the beginning of the relationship, and by three months in, it has only grown. Conclusion: You are dating Dan Murray or his facsimile.
2. You’re hitting on a girl or guy in a bar, and you ask for their gnumber. They tell you they don’t have one because they use Trillian so they can chat on all their different clients at once. Conclusion: Step away slowly, you may be in danger of being talked to about Second Life for an hour or more.
3. You and your bf/gf can’t decide who should have the last cherry Pop Tart. (S)he suggests that you decide based on who has the lower gnumber. Conclusion: Such abuses of the gnumber concept are punishable by the law.
My gnumber is 5. Now 12. Now 5 again. One of my exes has a lot of gmail addresses, you know what I’m saying?
Thank you for your time.
BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED LINKS
Whole family screws with a girl on MySpace, and she kills herself.
This murder-suicide.
Making a Nintendo an alarm clock:
Sociology behind hot or not.
We recommend you don’t travel tomorrow.
Squabble over border patrol agents people want pardoned.
A few years before, at a party he threw to announce his mayoral candidacy on the “Existentialist” ticket, Mailer got drunk and stabbed his wife Adele (number two), nearly killing her. (In 1969, Mailer ran for mayor again, this time on the “Secessionist” ticket, which included proposals that New York City become the fifty-first state and that disputes among young criminals be settled by jousting tournaments in Central Park.) Adele declined to press charges, and so Mailer escaped this outrage with a fortnight in Bellevue for observation. Mailer’s obsession with violence against women seems to have had a long gestation. Carl Rollyson opens his biography of Mailer with the story of John Maloney, a drunkard and a friend of Mailer and William Styron. In 1954, Maloney stabbed his mistress and fled. He was later jailed but released when charges were dropped. Styron recalled that at the time Mailer said to him: “God, I wish I had the courage to stab a woman like that. That was a real gutsy act.” That tells one all one needs to know about Norman Mailer’s idea of “courage.”
What is perhaps most alarming about Mailer’s violence against his wife was that it seems to have titillated more than it repelled his circle of friends. In any event it brought very little condemnation. “Among ‘uptown intellectuals,’” Irving Howe wrote “there was this feeling of shock and dismay, and I don’t remember anyone judging him. The feeling was that he’d been driven to this by compulsiveness, by madness. He was seen as a victim.” Readers who wonder how stabbing his wife could make Mailer a “victim”—and who ask themselves, further, what Mailer’s being a victim would then make Adele—clearly do not have what it takes to be an “uptown intellectual.”
The end of hardcovers.
Check out the new issue of Blowfish.
Raid on Ron Paul coins.
This shoe costs $350.
Executions save lives?
I think Amazon’s new reader is fucking stupid, but hey, that’s just me.
I knew there was a reason I don’t recycle.
As a roly-poly person, I’ve never been drawn to the gaunt, drawn (eh, same word twice) faces of Williamsburg/Silverlake guys. I like ruddy Irish and Jewish faces. Is this racist? Yes. But whatever, some dudes only like petite Asian girls, so cut me some slack.
Frank Rich on Giuliani.
“Bedtime Story” — Madonna (mp3)
“Sanctuary” — Madonna (mp3)
Problems with veteran benefits.
The Green Team, mofo.
Kerry wants to doom another generation of Democrats. He’s one sad little man.
High School Musical 3 goes on.
A simplified map of London.
Our much honored contributor Rachel Glaser has poems at 3 am magazine.
Writers botch the NL MVP.
Diversity training at the University of Delaware.
If you haven’t heard about this Christian country singer Eric Horner, get ready to laugh.
As a great man (me) once said, “The only thing I find emotionally or intellectually fulfilling is a mirror.”
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording, despite rumors to the contrary.
BLOGS FOR TRUE BLOGHERS
Kerry’s Passive-Aggressive Notes:
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
The state was a great show.
Sophia Bush and links.
Neko Case in Poetry magazine.
Alice Notley is the woman.
This Recording 
the Gnumber concept reminds me of the Lemon Law. See my How I Met Your Mother post if your memory need be refreshed.