In Which She Who Makes A Beast of Herself Gets Rid of the Pain of Being A Woman

We Only Want What We Can’t Have

by Alex Carnevale

The list of actresses who are so thoroughly absorbed in the character they play that they will never be successful in another role grows longer by the day.

Jenna Fischer, who plays the meek secretary Pam Beasley, pretty much lost us when she started being a dick to Toby. Her new film, The Promotion, has already begun to irritate us. The British Office was smart to finish up with the English Jim and Pam’s hot makeout.

trying too hard to prove she’s bosomy

We are living the future of this decision, when two uglifying forces hold hands during a walk for charity, or peck at each other behind the desk of poverty. The whole point to the Gervais and Merchant Office is that the two would leave this sad paper factory and pursue a new life as artists, or failing that, actors. How we will they could truly be set free!

Fischer herself is only kind of hot. She consistently wants to be so unerringly cute that it makes us super nauseous, especially in the mornings. She is the female personification of an over-sweetness, a desire to be cute instead of actually interesting, that we despise with every fibre of our being.

Her recent blog entries are soon to be used against Al-Qaeda operatives in Guantanamo Bay.

Hello! It is almost midnight in Los Angeles and I’m leaving for New York in the morning. I haven’t started packing! I have laundry to do and the house to clean. I need to run to the store for cat supplies. (Okay, now I’m officially stressed.)

I’m doing really great. I had a tough year last year. But I’m stronger because of it. I worked hard to fight my way back to physical health. I found a great balance in my personal life. I’m happier than I think I’ve ever been.

put those fake teeth away plz

My favorite thing about the movie was filming in Chicago. I’m from St. Louis and have visited Chicago many times. I LOVE the energy of the city. My folks and my sister and her husband came to visit me on set. It was the first time they had ever seen me on a movie set. So, that was cool. I also made good friends on this film. I met and became friends with Fred Armisen. We had dinner almost every night. Seann William Scott is an AMAZING human being. We are still close. I became friends with a few crew members as well. The whole cast and crew on the film were great.

seann william scott! jenna fischer! that guy from stepbrothers! it’s gonna be…terrible!

Seann William Scott is AMAZING in this film. This is unlike anything you’ve ever seen him do. I didn’t know what to expect when I met Seann because he usually plays such big characters on screen. The night before we met I watched American Wedding. He has that hilarious scene where he eats dog shit and pretends it is chocolate. I figured I was going to meet a crazy guy.

In real life he is very friendly but in the most genuine, sweet-hearted way. He is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. He always goes out of his way to make people feel comfortable. And, he’s funny. He’s very funny. Anyway, I am so proud of being in this movie with him. The character he plays in this movie is very close to what Seann is like in real life. I think it is going to change the way people see him.

The writers are hard at work on our next season. They will be writing through the summer. I’ve heard a number of things thrown around but nothing definite. I’m just as eager as you are to find out what happens. I’m most curious about Pam’s art school opportunity. I hope she goes. She’s never been outside of Scranton. Not even for college. I would love to see her have this adventure. I think it is time for her to branch out.

I also do not know anything about the spinoff. I don’t know what it is called, what it is about, who is in it. As of right now, I have not been asked to be in it. That’s all I know.

Her description of how she got cast on The Office is so boring I want to die.

This story merely adds to the problem.

“I grew up in St. Louis Missouri. I always wanted to be an actor but when you grow up in a place like St. Louis that is sort of like saying, ‘I want to be a superhero when I grow up.’ It hardly seems real,” writes the actress on her Myspace.com blog.

Fischer emphasizes that everyone’s story is different, and that knowledge has caused her to watch TV in a whole new way.

“I watch a show and I see the person who has 3 lines on Law and Order and I think, ‘Their family is gathered around the TV flipping out right now. I bet that was a huge deal for that person!'”

In her free time, Fischer took acting classes, performed in storefront theaters and went to cattle-call auditions.

“More than once I found myself competing for roles against Alyson Hannigan,” she says.

What a shock.

the real Pam. she works in your office and desires your sperm

Her discussion of her crush on Seann William Scott is no better. OK, that’s as mad as I can get about Jenna Fischer without showing you this nauseating Playboy interview. Does she think she’s Yoko Ono or something?

On keeping her The Office character Pam “authentic”: “To keep Pam authentic, I’ve held back from doing some things. I haven’t had my teeth whitened. I haven’t gotten porcelain veneers. And you’ll notice other things if you look carefully. I don’t get Mystic Tan treatments, for example, or any of that stuff. I need to keep it real so Pam can always look like a believable girl, not suddenly all plasticky like a movie star.”

Oh you mean like this?

jenna and a betch

On losing an Emmy: “Rainn Wilson and I refer to ourselves as Emmy-losing actors. We’ll be on set in a scene, and I’ll be like, ‘Seriously everyone, be quiet — Emmy-losing actor about to work.’ Maybe everyone should have something like that. Did you win the fifth-grade spelling bee? You can go with whatever your highest achievement is. That should precede your name at all times.”

my necklace is pointing WHERE EXACTLY?

On making People magazine’s 100 most beautiful celebrities in 2006: “I was so tickled by that because I loved the ‘Most Beautiful’ issue when I was a little girl. I got it every year. I still have one with Julia Roberts on the cover, because I was just oh so excited. Now I think I’m going to put it in my movie contract that they have to call me ‘37th Most Beautiful Person 2006, Emmy-losing actress Jenna Fischer.’”

On being a wild youth: When I was a high school senior, I used to work at Long John Silver’s. I had to wear a visor. If I wanted to stay out, I would tell my parents that I had to close. My curfew was midnight, but we closed at 1:30 in the morning. Then I’d get off at 10:30 and I’d go out with my boyfriend until 1:30.

isn’t my expression so funny isn’t it isn’t it isn’t it

Now you have experienced the full volume of Jenna Fischer’s life experience. We have had you, Jenna, and we no longer want you in the same way. We have realized that the only enjoyable part of the affair was the wanting, and the having doesn’t measure it up to its many thrills, seen and unseen. We wanted you, we want you no longer. We don’t need you, we wanted to need you. Now we don’t even want you, not even if you want us. It’s over.

Please tune into this space tomorrow, where we continue to do the important work of destroying the respect you had for everyone you used to admire.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

SHE ONLY KNOWS WHEN SOMEONE WANTS HER

Jane’s Addiction, January 31, 1987, King’s Hall at USC:

“Chip Away (live)” – Jane’s Addiction (mp3)

“My Time (live)” – Jane’s Addiction (mp3)

“Whores (live)” – Jane’s Addiction (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

We took a mind trip to Georgia

Alex went Into The Wild and came back just shy of alive.

Tess went to the Dirty South and ate a deep fried avocado.