In Which All in All You’re Just Another Bloggeur In the Wall

Bloggers and Other Freaks of Nature

by Alex Carnevale

Having dated my share of bloggers, it’s tough to make hard and fast rules about it. The only one I can really come up with is, never date a blogger. Jakob Lodwick learned this the hard way – the disease spreads, and all of sudden you’re telling people you founded collegehumor.com as if it’s something to be proud of…where was I going with this?

It’s a lot easier to blog when you’re not hard on the eyes. That’s why I have created the fictional persona of Molly Lambert to use for my more sensitive musings on the feminine. Just kidding, Molly is all too real (I had to hear about 12,000 words about her broken keyboard last week, and roughly the same amount on the grammys).

Being bff with a bloggeur like Molly comes with its great share of risks. We had a brief falling out that ended with me killing her cat, Keatons.

Still, never has the bloggeur pairing of I and Molly come to the levels of the Josh Stein – excuse me, Joshua David Jew Stein – article in this weekend’s Page Six magazine.

I know. You are so intrigued.

The following schmear piece about the delightful Emily Gould, who somehow tries to allege that Heartbreak Soup was read by only a couple of people – is by turns embarrassing, scandalous, and ridiculous. I admire Stein for entertaining me, I admire Gould for dating him so that he can entertain me.

And it goes on like this!

As someone noted to me, “no one comes out good in this article.” On the other hand, Emily Gould’s fiery good looks will carry her even further, and I kind of enjoyed her YA boo k, Hex Education.

I saw her read from it with her bff at this bar in BK. It may be selling for $2.62, but this come-what-may story of a daughter of a horror film director moving to the East Coast will sit on my shelf 4eva.

gould

Gould’s Gawker tenure was marred mainly by n+1 hit pieces and her usual sterling writing and hilarious observations. Its ending was a little unsatisfying, although Keith Gessen can be very impactful. He once lent me this Thomas Bernhard novel that eventually led to me joining a Bernhard messageboard. Bastard.

Also, when Keith Gessen sends you flowers, you send him flowers back, goddammit!

We love the accompanying pic of Stein. I am going to start a campaign to get him the lead white role in Blade IV.

he wanted to keep it secret!

Heartbreaksoup is now down (shock!) but it was full of carefully worded tales about cooking for your boyfriend. Hopefully this retrograde feminism never makes its way to the only Gawker blog worth reading, Jezebel.

Stein’s acting like this is the first time a hot girl has blogged about him. Dude, it is an honor. It is like becoming the champion of something. It is the first step to getting a weird picture in the New York Post of yourself in a cardigan, or at least that is what we are learning here.

Um, when Emily Gould tells you you’re the next big thing in her life, you schedule a freakin’ wedding date. What is wrong with men these days? Also, covertly reading people’s gmail is acceptable in these Cloverfield times. Reportedly, it’s how Nick Denton masturbates.

Emily’s alleged post about Josh, in which she differentiates him from other boys, is probably the best thing to happen to Will Hubbard since cutoffs became culturally acceptable.

wait a second…now we see why she got with him

Also, when a fact-checker from Vanity Fair calls you, you tell them everything.

He has a Serge Gainsbourg tattoo on his back? Yikes. That’s like the number one warning sign someone may soon betray you in a feature article in the Post.

“La Chanson de Slogan” – Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg (mp3)

“Requiem for Une Cone (Orb Remix)” – Serge Gainsbourg (mp3)

“Bonnie and Clyde” – Serge Gainsbourg & Brigitte Bardot (mp3)