In Which The Grammies Always Suck

JIGGA WHAT?

by Molly Lambert

You know that Simpsons episode where Homer stars a barbershop quartet (The B Sharps) and gives the waiter his Grammy as a tip, who throws it off the balcony when he realizes what it is, and the guy below says “Hey, don’t throw your trash down here!” The Grammies suck. They should really be euthanized. Most awards shows should be put out of their misery.

Alicia Keys always looks so matronly. I think it’s her weird hairstyles. She looks older than Diahann Caroll. This virtual duet with Frank Sinatra is making me nauseous, and I love Frank Sinatra.

Diahann Caroll with Harry Belafonte

Carrie Underwood is so boring. Did she get that fall from Jessica Simpson’s wig crypt? Why is Jeff Probst from Survivor telling me about Black History Month? At least he’s talking about Matthew Henson, whom I love!

The Time just took the stage and are singing Jungle Love and dancing. Oh here comes Rihanna and it’s a REMIX of UMBRELLA Why is she singing it so slow? There should not be pauses this long between the “ellas” of the chorus. I GOT A BEARSKIN RUG. Oh Morris Day. You slay me. I can’t believe we had Prince, Jimmy Jam, and The Time in the first ten minutes of this betch.

Haha Tom Hanks inducting The Band. This is some Americana shit to make grown men cry. Oh god please no. Why would you do a tribute to The Beatles? Haven’t enough people pissed on their legacy this year? People need to stop doing interpretive dance to classic rock. Omg a VW beetle. My roommate is sitting here going “really? really?”

Las Vegas ruins everything. Ahhhh a little black boy singing Let It Be. This is worse than the little black boy in I’m Not There. No wait that was still worse. He was named Woody Guthrie. Wow poor Jeff Tweedy. He’s making the face I’d be making if I had to sit through this live. Award shows are like plays that go on indeterminately, like baseball games.

Miley Cyrus looks like a Russian mail order bride. Holy shit Jason Bateman looks good, would hit. I never felt that way during Arrested Development. Maybe because I wanted to tag Cera more and I didn’t want to violate Oedipal taboos. Man, there aren’t enough drugs in the world that could make me sound convincing calling The Foo Fighters “exciting.” The Foos basically invented the genre of Alt-MOR

Okay Kanye and Daft Punk. It’s like Tron. Oh no now it’s really sad. He’s singing the song about his mom. I haven’t felt this many emotions since that reporter asked me why my hair was so frizzy. One time for Mother’s Day my brother made a mix tape for my mom that had Tupac’s “Dear Mama” and some other semi-womyn friendly rap songs. She totally cried.

Fergie has three grammies? I cannot hate on her meth face. I watched the fuck out of Kids Incorporated and can name more than one Wild Orchid song. Why are they always trying to break up the space by putting everything in a different location. It’s dislocating.

Oh Beyonce. You are doing some interesting things for feminism with this intro. All right Tina Turner! Lookin’ good! Tina looks like she’s one of those hollow milk chocolate bunnies but instead of being hollow she is full of SOUL. Look at how happy she is. That’s the smile of a woman who has learned Ike Turner just overdosed on cocaine and died.

Unrelated but important. Are Evan Rachel Wood and Larry David going to do it in the new Woody Allen movie? And if so, will more people throw up than did during Cloverfield?

Okay back to Beyonce and Tina. That sounds like the name of a really fabulous gay club night. Who looks more plastic, Bey or TT? Beyonce’s such a show pony with her flowing princess weave. I wish Erykah Badu and a coalition of her Bag Ladies would kidnap Beyonce and re-educate her, Patty Hearst stylee.

Oh god Andy Williams. As if to negate entirely the blackness of the last hour. Nelly Furtado when did you get so blond? You and Jessica Biel are on the wrong peroxided track.

This is like being trapped in Rock ‘N Roll hell. Dave Grohl, why couldn’t you have been the suicidal member of Nirvana instead of the talented one.

Playing with an orchestra is like Stage Five of being a mainstream radio rock band, between releasing a double (concept) album, but before sobriety. Semi-Pro. I will see you and you will probably be at least 63% funny and that is generally enough for me to buy a ticket. George Lopez and Brad Paisley. This is so boring I can’t be bothered to make fun of it.

a particularly WTF moment from the Beatles tribute

Chris Brown is dressed like a Good Humor Man. Get off the stage Solange. Aw I love you Kanye with your LED vest and Ray-Bans with croakies and MAMA shaved into the back of your hair.

Wow Ludacris sounds so wooden reading off a teleprompter. He looks good though, I wish he would just cover a Cab Calloway song and drop a guest verse. OMG Aretha. I want to rest my head on your enormous gospel titties. Madison Bumblebee WTF FTW. God I’m sorry but Christian music sucks. Hallelujah it’s over.

Wanda Sykes is the voice of Applebee’s. Even Applebee’s wants to be Black. Maybe because their waiters are racists? Okay they aren’t ruining Feist. It was a reasonably good year for music, but you mostly can’t tell that at all from this bloated out of touch spectacle.

ey Louis Prima! Wow Keely Smith looking good! Is Kid Rock going to put out a jazz-rap album? Because he should not. Although if you put saxophones on a record it immediately qualifies as avant-garde. My brother played the sax in grade school. His teacher was in the New Orleans Square Jazz Band at Disneyland. I hear New York’s alright if you like saxophones.

Why are lizards doing Thriller with Naomi Campbell. I hate everything. I’m turning this off. Oh god this awful Alicia Keys song and John Mayer. Now I’m really turning this off. But where is my WINO? I am going to the drug store. Okay I went to get ice cream and came back to see Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli duet. Why did I turn this back on? I have two things to say about Andrea Bocelli.

1. I loved that he was Carmela Soprano’s favorite singer and that her theme was that horrible song of his.

2. I remember reading a review of his stage debut in La Boheme. It talked about how not only was he terrible at singing live, he kept walking into the walls of the set and knocking things over. Perhaps it’s cruel to mock a blind opera singer for being unable to learn stage blocking. But it’s also very funny, in a W.C. Fields sort of way.

All right! Bonnie Raitt! Redheads from the Valley who are extremely well-versed in Black culture! John Fogerty! Keep on chooglin’! Jerry Lee Lewis! The Killer! Little Richard! Good Golly Miss Molly! The big finish!

Oh look a Herbie Hancock album of reworked Joni Mitchell songs just beat Amy Winehouse and Kanye for record of the year. Why do I feel like Quincy Jones pulled a Marisa Tomei and just did that as a solid for his broham? This is like when the time Jethro Tull won best metal album. Or the time they gave Will Smith the rap grammy every year of the nineties. I hate the Grammies.

Molly Lambert is the senior editor of This Recording.