In Which Rust Is The Color Of Blood When It Dries

The Gingestrel Show

by Molly Lambert

Mad Men fever continues to sweep the nation, which is awesome not least of all because Sterling-Cooper would love any product that spawned so many advertising tie-ins. Harry Crane and the television division would be all over it.

So I wonder if red hair dye is spiking due to Christina Hendricks as Joan Holloway? While in a recession women cut back on most beauty luxuries, they also get depressed. And what better way to fight depression and malaise than to dye your hair? I wouldn’t know, I’m all natural. Have I mentioned that before?

There is still no known cure for true Gingerism

I am always looking for a new Shirley MacLaine to cling to, but even she was not really a redhead. Consider how much upkeep goes into dyeing and maintaining hair color, especially red which fades out super quickly, it’s incredible how many of the most famous gingers are actually totally faux. I’m sure blondes have the same complaint, but who gives a fuck about them?

I’ll Always Love You Fran Kubelik

So many notable redheads are just practitioners of the old racist tradition known as gingestrelsy, attempting to cash in on the edgy outsidery cachet of red hair. Sometimes I see fake ginger hipsters out parading as redheaded stereotypes, pretending all the while that they are authentic, and I feel like I’m watching the montage from the end of Bamboozled.

this is what being naturally Ginger is really like

For shame, would-be rangas. You might pass in polite society, but when it comes time for the annual Council Of Gingers Red Sabbath you will all be ferreted out and exposed for fakes. O how the blood will flow! As red as your real hair color is not.

NATURAL BLONDES & BRUNETTES MAKING A LIVING PASSING FOR REDHEADS:

Lucille Ball: This most famous icon of redheads was naturally brunette, and spent a long time as a peroxided blonde before going ginger. She was also a model and Chesterfield cigarette girl early on in her career.

O Lucy, U Wacky Blondehead!

During the HUAC communist blacklisting trials, husband Desi Arnaz testified that the “only thing red about his wife was her hair, and even that was fake.”

Margarita Hayworth, before her studio makeover

Rita Hayworth: Was not only brunette, she was Hispanic. Born in Brooklyn as Margarita Carmen Dolores Cansino, her parents were of Irish, English and Spanish descent.

After deciding she’d look better de-ethnicized, Columbia Pictures had Cansino’s widow’s peak permanently electrolycized, her hair dyed bright red, and she became the “Love Goddess” bombshell and popular wartime pin-up known as Rita Hayworth.

Heyyyyyyyyy Faaaaaaaaake Gingerrrrrrrrrrrr!

Shirley MacLaine: star of Sweet Charity, older sister of Warren Beatty, new age kook, and natural brunette.

Ann-Margaret: the Kitten With A Whip was a natural brunette. Also that was a prosthetic rack in Carnal Knowledge. I know, I know, I’m ruining all of your fantasies. Sorry!

Christina Hendricks: Don’t worry, I’m completely sure the naturally blonde Christina Hendricks doesn’t have implants. Even though her red hair color is fake, her gigantic boobs and the rest of her ridiculously proportioned figure is all real. Now you can sleep at night. Or not sleep and think about Joan.

Isla Fisher: Natural (Top), Amy Adams: Dye Job (Bottom)

Amy Adams: The Enchanted star is a natural blonde. She dyed her hair red for Junebug and never looked back.

Susan Sarandon: Janet Weiss, Annie Savoy, Brunette

Debra Messing: Grace, Starter Wife, Brunette

Molly Ringwald: Breakfast Clubber, Brunette,

Clara Bow: It Girl, used henna, Brunette,

Kate Walsh: from Private Practice/Grey’s Anatomy Brunette

Tori Amos: Piano Lady, Cornflake Girl, Brunette

Cynthia Nixon: Miranda Hobbes, Little Darling, Blonde

Neko Case: Torch Singer, Brunette

Gillian Anderson: FBI Agent Dana Scully, Lily Bart, Blonde

Julia Roberts: Liz Phair’s camp frenemy, Blonde

Emma Stone: from Superbad and The Rocker, Brunette

Ginger Spice: Girl Powerer, Brunette

BENEDICT REDHEADS:

Laura Prepon: That Seventies Scientologist

Lindsay Lohan: famously betrayed her red roots for blondehood after Paris Hilton called “firecrotch” a few thousand times. You take advice from Paris Hilton? She has nasty Fraggle hair!

Nicole Kidman: who was maybe a blonde to begin with

Molly Lambert is managing editor of This Recording

YOUR ROOTS ARE SHOWING

At The Same Time – R. Kelly: (mp3)

Skin – R. Kelly: (mp3)

Son Of A Bitch – R. Kelly: (mp3)

Two Seater – R. Kelly: (mp3)

Wanna Make A Baby – R. Kelly: (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING:

Historical Ginger Dynasty

Call Me Shirley (MacLaine)

We Know Who Killed You