In Which Cheney Gives Sayid The Stern Lecture He Had To See Coming

Are Women Worth the Bullshit?

by Dick Cheney

Lost

Week Three 

I have been with many women since my days at Yale. The woman of that time was impetuous, bipolar, and addicted to hard drugs. In other words, the shooting was easier than deer.

For a man like Jack, a medical doctor who has tasted the sweet loins of that appealing blonde woman who was on Ed, Kate once awkwardly in (where else?) the jungle, and probably all manner of needy, medically troubled, father worshiping nymphs that came through his hospital, love was a concept which drove him into joy and despair, funyuns and sorrow.

 

you know, you’re a lot uglier in person. one song lost recap!

For a man like Sawyer, who has spent most of life tricking people into thinking that how sweet his hair is something important, love has considerably less meaning.

did you know that her IQ is 87?

We are told to believe that of these two men, a torturer, a humilator, an iron soldier of will, is the former figure and not the latter?

That was the premise of this episode: that the most cold-blooded man in the world could fall in love with some girl and not even notice she was the most cold-blooded woman in the world.

Then again:

You won’t be surprised to hear that the Chene monster had been witness to not only some of the greatest keggers this fine nation has ever seen, but also, some of the most drunk girls at those keggers. I have had my time with the woman of these United States, and what a time it was.

It is my opinion that sex is responsible for the good reputation of alcohol, and vice versa. Not only in the way of people do things they normally wouldn’t while under the influence, but in the sense that the best sex is drunk sex, and the best drinking is sexy drinking.

I kinda think Prince would look really cute in this outfit

Most of my drunken amorousness has been directed at my wife, Lynne. Countless times I have come home after a night paying compliments to W at some event or another, and the first thing Lynne hears when she comes in the door is, “Do you think drunken stepfather would post our sex tape?”

I Want the Ghost of Ronald Reagan Inside Me (answer: The Wall Street Journal)

In the late 70s a brief estrangement from Lynne (she had started boning a poet who wore cutoffs all the time) led me into the arms of none other than current WSJ columnist Peggy Noonan. As a devout Catholic, Peggy wouldn’t go all the way to the end of the rainbow – she was content with the blacks and blues, if you know what I am saying.

And besides Peggy, there were many other defining sexual experiences in and outside of marriage, which I detail on my livejournal from time to time.

As you’ll recall from last week, my online flirtation with a mysterious Lost fanatic iwantjackinsideme891 culminated in a cross-country flight to watch next week’s episode of Lost. Get excited for internetcourse and finding out her secret identity next week.

Don’t mistake my online travails for desperation, however. Unlike my Iraqi comrad Sayid, I do not have a vagina. 

There’s something about a very commanding woman. Perhaps that’s why Sayid wanted to take Naomi on that helicopter with him. Either that, or again, all the sand in his vagina.

To prevent you, my dear readers, from turning into the Sayid of The Economist‘s flashback, here are some tips:

Rule No. 1: Don’t go to the opera. Only 80 year old men and the salty mistresses they wish to impress frequent the opera. That, or dudes in jeans taking their boss’ tickets. Either way, don’t be caught dead there.

Rule No. 2: Being a dick isn’t enough. You must be a total asshole. It’s well establish that virtually every type of woman wants to be treated badly, at least until she can cut off your balls through the magic of an LTR. As evidence for this essential phenomenon, I present a photo which may shock and surprise you, a photo you may not want to show to your loved ones:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! THAT’S FUCKING HENRY GALE YOU DUMB BETCHES!!! (Sidenote: Is that a B. Walters upskirt?)

Rule No. 3: If it’s easy, it’s too easy. Make things difficult. No one likes to be won over easily. In fact I can tell you in confidence that the entire Iraq War was actually just a move George W. was making on a Georgetown undergraduate. She was all like, “You wouldn’t dare go to War in Iraq without consulting the U.N.!” and George was like, “So many people are going to wish you did not just say that, except for the Jewish members of my administration. JK.” The moral of the story is that Georgetown undergrad is now media mogul Julia Allison, and George went to Cabo with Julia’s protege.

Rule No. 4. Please remove your head from that woman’s chest, Sayid. Sayid becoming an impotent non-murderer is killing the show’s ratings.

grow some balls man you’re a murderer

Meanwhile, things on the island slow to a glacial pace. At least we’re getting five more episodes. To wit: 

Wow. 

Thrill-ing.

The island’s four latest residents have made less than an impact, with Jeff Fahey’s pilot character nursing a secret crush on Jack, the woman a bitter disappointment in a role that was originally earmarked for Kristen Bell, the Asian guy most likely setting up a fun love triangle with Jin and pregnant Sun, and our physicist buddy ensuring he is never cast as anything than a nebbishy dork ever again.

I literally cannot even look at this photo

Hurley’s desire to avoid his current association with Locke in the first episode Jack flashback means that his people are about to do something that they’ll regret. In the helicopter gang, no one seemingly wants off the island, and we’re still batting around the question of who the feck Gale has on that boat of theirs.

 

are you as offended by your ethnic stereotype as I am?

Perhaps more interesting is the power structure of the Dharma Avengers, as I shall henceforth call them. They don’t even know their commanding officers, and have bizarre delineations in power between the crew. It almost sounds like my boss’s White House.

Dick Cheney is the vice president of the United States. He lives in Washington D.C.

P.S. my new jam is Feist and Kevin Drew doing “Safety Bricks” on KCRW.

“Safety Bricks (live on KCRW)” – Feist & Kevin Drew (mp3)

“I Feel It All (live on KCRW)” – Feist (mp3)

“The Park (live on KCRW)” – Feist (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Rachael’s childhood was a doozy.

In the privacy of our love.

Love letter to Gilmore Girls, or as we shall now refer to it, the alternate ending to Juno.

i dated a hobbit WTF I know right!!!