In Which One Candidate Passes Into The Netherworld There Is Only One Way To Compare The Three

Barack/Hillary/John

by Claire Howorth

My favorite parlor game/salve for stilted conversation, assuming the company doesn’t include young children or my grandmother, is Marry/Fuck/Kill (or its plethora of less fatal-sounding variations).

To play, simply name three people, assign each a fate, and optionally explain why.

Any old triumvirate will do. Reese Witherspoon, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears? Mario Batali, Jean-Luc Godard, Kim Jong Il? Your mother, your father, your dog?

How would the top three democratic candidates fare in a choice of hitching, humping, or homicide?

Marry: Barack Obama

Obama is marriage material. Campaigning is a mating dance, but unlike in high school, I’ll put out in the primaries for this guy. He’s got the drive, that sticktoitiveness you only find in a potential husband. Or a future president.

Everyone loves him, even my parents (and they’re from Mississippi). Education reform is important to him — he cares about children! And with his plan for leaner spending and cutbacks, our golden years will be happy ones.

Fuck: John Edwards

Bed him, won’t wed him. He’s quite attractive, and so is his platform. Politicians are glorified hookers, and this one’s got a heart of gold. Who doesn’t get a little wet at the thought of universal health care? And he says he’ll be sure to withdraw. From Iraq.

But he’s a little too good to be true, and he just pulled out (of the race) too soon. Youth and inexperience could lead to a disastrous relationship, and I’m a bit wary of the pecan-scented veneer. Best to trust my gut and just be a slut.

“Ne Me Quitte Pas” – Nina Simone (mp3)

Kill: Hillary Clinton

Toss her. She’s already married to Bill, and, because of him, she’s probably fucked too.

Whatever order you choose, don’t sweat it if you get pregnant — they’re all pro-choice.

As for the Republican candidates? There’s no fun forced choice in a game called “Kill/Kill/Kill.” Well, I’m not into polygamy, but I might hate-fuck Romney.

Claire Howorth is a writer living in New York. This is her first appearance in these pages.

mormons like rough sex

BARACK IS ALL LIKE, “KATRINA! KATRINA!”

“Stand By Me” – The Temptations (mp3)

“Stand By Me” – U2 (mp3)

“Stand By Me” – Pennywise (mp3)

“Stand By Me” – Ben E. King (mp3)

“Stand By Me” – Timon & Pumbaa (mp3)

“Stand By Me (Nasty Bitch remix)” – DJ Quixotic (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Highlights of campaign week:

Politics and athletes.

Womyn dividing the country.

All day long we sing that same old song.