In Which Scarlett And Natalie Are Both The Other Woman

The Other Woman Is Perfect Where Her Rival Fails

by Molly Lambert

“We look hot.” “So hot.” “Luv u bb.” “U too betch.”

Alex thinks celebrity couples are the way Decadent Culture in our Late Capitalist society expresses itself.

What then does he think of the homosocial pair of the moment, Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman? What is the representative purpose of this pseudo-Sapphic twosome of Jewesses?

“WTF are you wearing Nat?” “WTF are YOU wearing Scarj?”

A blogger won a journalism award for political reporting. This is just the beginning. Our Pulitzers are coming in the mail. We’ll be putting them next to our Prezler Awards.

“I just love an uncircumcized penis. I think it looks like a little sweater made of skin. My boyfriend Van Wilder’s a total goy from Canada. How about you, Natalie?” “I don’t really care either way, just as long as his you-know-what isn’t crooked. I really hate that!”

I’m not the first one to make the voice comparison between Obama and Dwayne Johnson. Maybe Southland Tales was more prescient than we thought. On that note, I think Barack and The Rock are both super hot. Have you seen The Rock on a talk show? He is so adorable and funny.

dress from the Angela Chase collection

The Rorschach Test school of political thinking:

The whole “Rorschach Test” thing is getting a lot of press lately. You see in whatever those things you want to see. Britney is Bush, Angelina is Barack Obama, Barack Obama is Jesus Christ, Hillary Clinton is your mom, Hillary Clinton is your menopausal boss from hell. None of any of this is true. It’s more complicated than that.

Let’s just let them BOTH be president, okay? Not okay? Well, at least I tried. Sigh…

dress from the Elegant Cocktease Shoppe

At least Max made us lol with Hillary Clintones. Are you with it for reesies? Imagine if every time your phone rang you got to hear the gently badgering voice of the woman who reminds you so much of your mother you’re scared to vote for her. What are you, worried the nation will turn out as fucked up as you are? Text RODHAM 2!

Raúl Castro is El Maricón? Allen Ginsberg and Andy Warhol both thought so, and their gaydar was as sharp as their brains.

Speaking of people I was sure were gay, kinky gingeress Tilda Swinton has a 67 year old artist husband and a 29 year old actor lover. Both are male, which surprised me. Color me impressed!

Blah blah Blaher.

Courtney Cox, being thinspirational

You look fabulous! Did you have a little tapeworm over the break?

Dear Dave Eggers: Type slowly. Don’t you know concise is the new florid?

McSweeney’s is like that pretty cute guy you take home from the bar one night only to find out that he looks weird without his glasses and can’t get it up.

“I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.”

Rihanna pulls a Gretchen Wieners.

Speaking of whiny bitches I have zero sympathy for, isn’t having a trust fund like way hard you guys?

“Suck my left one, Lindsay Loserhan!”

Hey awesome, we beat Yale! Boola boola, motherfuckers!

“No, I don’t think I ruined the Star Wars franchise. It was that fucking Jumper chach, okay?”

Tim Gunn and Larry The Cable Guy come from different worlds but they make it work somehow.

And publicist Sloane Crosley must be friends with Hamilton Nolan and Ryder Smith.

“Did you steal that dress out of Chloe Sevigny’s reject pile” “Where’s that potato sack from, Chico’s?”

To commenter Chuck, who said “Hate men much?” No, Chuck, I don’t much hate men. Or rather, I don’t hate most men. Just the ones raping girls with gun barrels and burning hot coals. Hope that clears things up for you. Kthxbai!

Diablo Cody’s new film Quotey! JK Sry 2 Say. Don’t hate though, Deebs haters, Juno is the most successful indie in six years. Honest to blog!

Sister/Lovers Diablo Cody and Ellen Page

We kid. (O ho.) Diablo’s no dirty old woman and whatevz I was obvi a total Juno in junior high, sans pregnancy. (They used to call us Darias!) So on that note, there’s a new Portishead album coming out in April called Third!

Hitchcock Blonde

Taylor Kitsch from Friday Night Lights as Gambit in the Wolverine flicks? Laissez les bons temps rouler, mon ami!

Also Scarlett’s boo Ryan Reynold’s as Deadpool, as Wraith, and Liev Schreiber as Sabretooth?!! God this movie is going to be so unbelievably homosexual. Just like Hugh Jackman.

Oh and Watchmen is in post. The art direction on that looks pretty great, from some earlier stills I saw of the set.

Britney won’t get visitation rights, at least not yet anyway.

RIP Lydia Sum aka Fei Fei.

If you mock Scientology, prepare to attend the wake for your own staged suicide. Watch out Neel Shah, you could be next!

Are you in love with your best bro or lady? I’m definitely adopting “backstairsly” as my new euphemism for gay.

Women do seem to have a different notion of friendship. In the research literature, their bonds are described as “face to face,” meaning they share feelings more intensely. Male relationships are “side by side,” less touchy-feely and built around activities like sports or work.

Stop snitching, Serpico!

A Pentagon mental health survey of American soldiers and marines in Iraq, released last year, that showed that more than half of respondents would not turn in a fellow service member for mistreating an Iraqi civilian. More than 40 percent of those surveyed, the Pentagon reported, said torture should be allowed to save the life of a soldier or marine.

Our Exquisite Ginger Taste Will School Yr Face


Eric Bana: “Hey ladies. I starred in Munich, and I’m not even Jewish!”

We’ll all feel better when we have Orgasmatrons implanted in our spines. One step closer to the orb from Sleeper.

Have some Fast Hugs.

Oh Julia, Julia, Julia, Allison. We’re really sorry that your lame ex-boyfriend Jakob Lodwick’s mom Andrea (who has a media studies degree!!!) still reads your blog and has her own (tumblr!) blog. That must be weird and icky. If there’s anything we learned in 2007, it’s that relationships + web 2.0 equals messy disaster splayed out for anonymous rubberneckers.

Molly Lambert is the senior editor of This Recording. Jealous?


More Aretha outtakes for those quiet times:

“Tree of Life” – Aretha Franklin (mp3)

“Love Letters” – Aretha Franklin (mp3)

“I Want To Be With You” – Aretha Franklin (mp3)

snap the full album up here


A Rose For Emilys

The Sparring Couple

Claire plays Fuck/Marry/Kill with the candidates

10 thoughts on “In Which Scarlett And Natalie Are Both The Other Woman

  1. I think the Dan Murray-Will Hubbard splendidship (my word for friendship/romance) has redefined male-male friendships forevermore.

    In other news, how much longer do I have to wait until I can snap up a much-coveted Prezler Award?!?!

  2. I can’t even enjoy Natalie Portman’s grace, intelligence and beauty, so disfigured am I by drooling, crippling jealousy.

    The X-Men was *always* super-gay. It’s just being slowly realized in cinema. I can see it now…Wolverine and Sabertooth, grunting and clawing at each other’s barrelled hairy chests…heaving as the glisten of sweat on throbbing man-flesh shimmers in the moonlight through the the foliage of thick, rugged woods. And then, you know, they burst into song.

  3. There is some serious asstrology here with gemini and her cusping opposite… but I love the way they are looking into each others eyes in each picture, mirroring, so interesting, presenting their mask and gimmick before each other and short ciruiting.
    Johnny five is alive.

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