In Which Hillary Clinton Is The Seagoat of Our Wildest Dreams

This is the second part of a series in which our guest astrologer breaks down the star charts of the presidential candidates. You can read Barack Obama’s breakdown here.

The Supersuperdelegates:

Horoscoping the 2008 Presidential Election

by Zelina Kurkova

Hillary Clinton
October 26 1947
Chicago, IL

If anyone can defy astrology, it is Hillary Clinton. A powerhouse as a mere child, Hillary is made of iron and rock. Her star chart shows an aggressive Capricorn. Prudent and ambitious are both traits of this sign, but as double Capricorn, Hillary tends towards the negative, her miserliness coming across in a campaign that can’t pay its bills. As a president, Hillary would be a hard person to work for. She tends to separate people more than bring them together, although she never could separate Bill from the genitals of other women. Still, a Capricorn who has survived tumult, like a dying, damaged and pregnant goat, knows it can surmount anything.

i’m the one who wants to be with you

Rising Sign is in 13 Degrees Capricorn
You are practical and reserved but very ambitious. An achiever and a hard worker, you respect success. Older looking and very serious as a youth, things lighten up and you relax more as you mature. You have a serious view of the world as being a difficult place to be in. Very envious of those who seem to have an easier life than you have, relaxation and play do not come easily. It is important that you had abundant parental support as a child so that you do not feel lonely and isolated as an adult. You are purposeful, self-willed, industrious, realistic and responsible.

Sun is in 02 Degrees Scorpio.
Intense and complex by nature, you have extremely strong emotional reactions to most situations. Feelings are often very difficult for you to verbalize. Therefore you have a tendency to be very quiet – to brood and think a lot. You seldom get overtly angry, but, when you do, you are furious and unforgiving. If you are challenged, you take it as a personal affront and tend to lash out and fight back in a vengeful manner. You love mysteries and the supernatural. You are known to be very willful, very powerful and quite tenacious!

that’s my husband!!!

“Big Mistake” – Tim Fite (mp3)

Moon is in 24 Degrees Pisces.
You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin – you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others — so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.

fraud, hypocrite, hillary

Mercury is in 21 Degrees Scorpio.
When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering – reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony.

Venus is in 16 Degrees Scorpio.
Your feelings about others are deep, powerful, intense and complex. When you like someone, you do so totally and obsessively if you do not like someone, they do not exist. Your faithfulness and loyalty to your lover is unquestioned, indeed at times it is too much so – you get so possessive that you almost smother your partner. At times, your feelings are kept deep within you and, because they are so complex and intense, they frighten you – this is the way that you try to ignore them. But the more you try to do this, the more explosive things get when you eventually do express them.

this is also hillary’s face during billtercourse

Mars is in 14 Degrees Leo.
You are a very proud person. Strong, bold, courageous and self-possessed, you love to be the one to initiate significant actions. When people expect a lot of you, you respond positively and will work hard in order to maintain their respect. But when your dignity or pride is threatened, you tend to become sarcastic, arrogant and domineering. Try not to take any challenge or resistance that you meet as a personal affront.

Jupiter is in 00 Degrees Sagittarius.
You have a very strong sense of ethics and morality. At times, you have an annoying tendency to be self-righteous and preachy about your belief system. You are usually quite idealistic and you demand the right to be able to explore the entire world of experiences yourself. Remember to grant others the similar right – be tolerant, not dogmatic.

“For Halloween” – No Kids (mp3)

she looks like one of those conan o’brien if they mated photoshops

Saturn is in 21 Degrees Leo.
Extremely self-reliant, you set very high standards of conduct and decorum for yourself, and you expect others with whom you associate to be that way, too. It is important that you had a strong father figure or role model early in life to mold your life course and direction.

“My Party Is Better Than Yours” – Emmy the Great (mp3)

hillary sees a mirror

Uranus is in 25 Degrees Gemini.
You, and your peer group as well, are attracted to new, unusual and revolutionary thoughts, ideas and lifestyles. You prefer abstract, idealistic solutions to practical, immediately useful answers. You delight in communications, the mass media, electronics, computers and all sorts of gadgetry.

Neptune is in 11 Degrees Libra.
You, and your entire generation, idealize all of the various experimental approaches to relationships — including “living together”, the formation of communes and collectives and the whole concept of “open” marriages. There is a stress on weakened commitments on an emotional and contractual level, but there are heightened expectations of the level of commitment and mutual support on the spiritual and metaphysical level.

you have failed the promise of your generation

N. Node is in 23 Degrees Taurus.
It’s not in your nature to seek out many casual acquaintances in your daily round of activities. You feel much more comfortable with a small, close-knit group of people – those with whom you can relax and work toward known and clearly defined goals. You choose your partners and relationships so carefully that you’re bound to gain certain advantages from them, including those of a material nature. Be careful though not to let mere self-service be your motivation in establishing your connections – make sure that there’s an even give-and-take!

Zelina Kurkova is an astrologer living in New York. Tune in this weekend, when Zelina examines the star chart of John McCain.

senators

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marvel’s zodiac. did we mention next week is comics week?